Commit to Calm day 14

Change is difficult. Striking a balance between being a work-in-progress and needing self-compassion is crucial.

One of my primary goals of Working on Calm is to build habits that will decrease my anxiety while increasing my ability to be present and content. I want calm in place of stress. I started my Commitment to Calm two weeks ago and am making progress. I feel centered more often and am making small choices that have bigger impacts. But I am also grappling with the ongoing, never-complete nature of this work and trying to learn to be kind to myself. I am working on balancing my “work in progress” status with my need for self-compassion.

What is a work in progress?

In management and accounting terms, a work in progress (WIP) refers to an unfinished good that is not yet ready to be sold to the consumer.[1] It is accounted for in the cost of labor, raw materials, and overhead, but still considered an asset to the company. In other words, it is an unfinished good but still has value that affects the bottom line. This is a very literal definition, but an idea to which my analytical mind can relate.

Progress, however, of the best kind, is comparatively slow. Great results cannot be achieved at once; and we must be satisfied to advance in life as we walk, step by step.

Samuel Smiles

I am a WIP. I am not perfect and need some work (as do all humans), BUT I also have value. I want to get better, be calmer, and appreciate the life right in front of me. This will require building new skills and trying new things, which can feel daunting. For someone who likes a check list and tasks to be completed, being a WIP can be a challenge. If I focus too much on what needs to change or where I fall short, I lose sight of the positive. I am strong in a lot of other areas of my life. I am still an asset to myself. There’s a fine balance between wanting to improve but also needing to accept myself as I am. This is where self-compassion comes into play.

What is self-compassion?

Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, breaks it down into three components:[2]

  1. Self-kindness over self-judgement: accepting your imperfections or failings without being overly critical of yourself. Instead of ignoring your pain or beating yourself up, you react with sympathy and warmth. In other words, treat yourself like a friend.
  2. Common humanity over isolation: recognizing your own suffering or imperfections as a part of life and a shared experience. Instead of thinking you are the only one with these problems, you recognize your part in the larger human experience.
  3. Mindfulness over over-identification: being aware of your negative emotions without exaggerating them. Instead of denying your true feelings or obsessing and over-exaggerating them, you are balanced in your awareness of them.

Why is self-compassion important?

Neff’s definition reflects how self-compassion is a protective, positive self-attitude. The more self-compassionate you are, the more protected you are from critical self-judgements, social isolation, and ruminating thoughts. We know it’s important to practice self-compassion when building new habits, but the positive effects are impressive.

  • Research reveals self-compassion is positively associated with healthy behaviors in the areas of nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress management.[3]
  • It also impacts psychological health, with individuals high in self-compassion experiencing higher levels of well-being.[4]
  • In another study, individuals who participated in a short self-compassion course showed gains in self‐efficacy and impulse‐control and reductions in self‐judgment and habitual negative self‐directed thinking. The intervention helped them to increase their levels of self‐compassion and reduced their anxiety and depression.[5]

These are just a few studies conducted on self-compassion. The benefits are obvious!

Photo by Belinda Fewings on Unsplash

Self-compassion and my Commitment to Calm

My Commitment to Calm is a promise to myself to improve the areas of my life that will lead to more calm. Defining myself as a work in progress forces me to both accept that I am not perfect AND that I bring value. As I’ve started the daily work to create more calm, I am continually reminded that I am a WIP. Lest I forget, my kids will quickly remind me!

Practicing self-compassion is key to striking the right balance between seeking this growth and practicing kindness. As I’ve mentioned before I have an inner-mean girl that is a perfectionist. I often focus on what I haven’t accomplished or what still needs to get done. When my anxiety takes control, it’s never enough. I have a lot of opportunity for building my self-compassion skills.

Kristin Neff’s website offers both guided meditations and exercises for building self-compassion. Today I listened to her “Compassionate Friend” guided meditation. It felt a little touchy-feely compared to other meditations, but did help me visualize how a friend would treat me. It forced me to talk to myself in a much kinder way. It inspired me to get out the gratitude journal and list the things I’ve accomplished in the last two weeks. It made me proud of what I’ve done. It’s a step in the right direction as I learn to balance being a work in progress with self-compassion.

Are you practicing self-compassion? Leave me a comment!

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[1] https://www.investopedia.com/terms/w/workinprogress.asp

[2] Neff, K. (2003) Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself, Self and Identity, 2:2, 85-101, DOI: 10.1080/15298860309032

[3] Sirois FM, Kitner R, Hirsch JK. Self-compassion, affect, and health-promoting behaviors. Health Psychol. 2015 Jun;34(6):661-9. doi: 10.1037/hea0000158. Epub 2014 Sep 22. PMID: 25243717.

[4] Zessin U, Dickhäuser O, Garbade S. The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis. Appl Psychol Health Well Being. 2015 Nov;7(3):340-64. doi: 10.1111/aphw.12051. Epub 2015 Aug 26. PMID: 26311196.

[5] Dundas, I., Binder, P.‐E., Hansen, T. G. B. & Stige, S. H. (2017). Does a short self‐compassion intervention for students increase healthy self‐regulation? A randomized control trial. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology 58, 443– 450.