Commit to calm day 16
Negative, intrusive thoughts can make meditation difficult. Read about my negative meditation experience and how I moved past it.
More than two weeks into my Commitment, I am finding meditation to be my most helpful new habit. Thus far, my short sessions don’t require a huge time commitment, and I feel better afterwards. But not every meditation session is a success. Sometimes I don’t like the guided meditation, I feel really distracted by my intrusive thoughts, or something else isn’t effective. As I wrote before, continuing to practice is key, so I keep trying. I learned a while ago that a session doesn’t have to be perfect. It is critical to move past a negative meditation experience.
My worst meditation session
As a resident of Arizona, I am lucky to have Sedona as a nearby vacation destination. Within just a few hours’ drive, I can be surrounded by majestic red rock formations. The natural beauty of Sedona is powerful. Plus, the town offers sophisticated, trendy restaurants, artisan shops, and some of the most beautiful resorts. Andrew and I love to take quick trips there for hiking, dining, and relaxation away from the kids.
On our last trip to Sedona, we stayed at our favorite resort. Like many resorts in this area, it is mindfulness-oriented and offers multiple yoga, meditation, and unique spiritual activities. We usually take advantage of the overwhelmingly beautiful scenery, spectacular hospitality, and tranquil spa services. On this particular trip, I was dipping my toe back in the meditation waters and motivated to take advantage of all the positive energy.
Not too long after arrival, we decided to take part in a group meditation. Participants were instructed to remove their shoes and walk barefoot into the “Crystal Grotto.” It felt like a cooling, beautiful cave with a freshly raked red dirt floor. In the middle of the room was a large crystal atop a water feature. Above it, a skylight perfectly aligned with the sun’s trajectory allowed the sun to shine through the room in a bright cylinder. We were the last ones to arrive and sat at the end of a semi-circular bench lining the entire room.
Still sweaty from the walk to the spa, restless from the drive, and dealing with pent-up frustrations from life’s struggles, I was agitated. The instructor greeted each participant individually with a fanning of smoke from her sage smudge stick. It further irritated me. In a soothing voice she led a 20-minute meditation meant to guide participants through a sacred journey of self-awareness. My thoughts devolved, spiraling out of control.
My inner dialogue was something along the lines of:
I’m hot and uncomfortable. What did she just say to do? I can’t do this. I’m never going to be able to relax. Breathe! This bench is too narrow for me. It’s hitting me right in the meatiest part of my thighs. It’s so gross. I look fat in these shorts. Focus! Look at how negatively I talk to myself. What is wrong with me? Exhale! My skin is sticking to this seat. My back is hurting. Why haven’t I done more back strengthening exercises? Or maybe yoga? If I were a better person, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. Clear your mind! What does she mean? I don’t feel any positive energy. Quite the opposite. This is too much for me. I suck at this. Everyone in this room is picking up on my negative energy. I should just leave right now. Why am I so miserable? I’m really a toxin to everyone around me. I’m terrible. Inhale!
When she finally ended the session, I was relieved. But not from the healing effects of the meditation. I was just relieved to get out of there. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts anymore. As Andrew and I walked across the rolling patches of grass, we talked about the session. He felt amazingly invigorated. He had been in an alternate universe, taking in all the wisdom and positive energy of the instructor.
Damn. That’s not at all what I got out of it. I told Andrew what had been going on in my own mind, leaving out the self-criticisms that were so harsh I couldn’t even say them out loud. I ended with, “I’m just really awful.” He had a simple, powerful response. “Just because you were thinking those things doesn’t mean any of it is true. It just means you were uncomfortable.” Huh. He was right.
Feelings are not facts
I was uncomfortable, dealing with a lot of emotional baggage, and simply having a bad session. I had forgotten feelings are not facts. I wasn’t terrible; I wasn’t fat; I wasn’t ruining anyone’s cosmic energy. He spoke to me like a friend speaks, the self-compassion piece I am still developing. It was the perspective shift I needed. I needed someone to give me the permission to forget it and move on. The bad session didn’t mean anything. There was no truth to it. I could try again another time.
Just the simple process of letting go of negative thoughts will allow your natural state of health to emerge within you.
Rhonda Byrne
The next day I returned to the crystal grotto by myself. I did a walking meditation, feeling the fine red sand below my feet as I slowly traversed in a circle. I focused on inhaling the positive energy around me, exhaling negative energy from the day before. It was a healing experience, a necessary do-over on the path to self-awareness.
I try to remember this experience when a meditation session gets frustrating. The negative thoughts are just that: thoughts. Thinking them doesn’t make them real; they are not facts. This doesn’t mean I no longer get tricked by the inner mean girl. I still need reminders; I still have bad sessions. But I try to remember to give myself permission to feel these frustrations without adopting them as truth. I keep meditating because I know it works for me. It’s not something that has to be perfect. The quicker I am to recall this lesson, to give myself permission, the more successful my sessions can be.
Have you had a bad meditation experience? How did you recover? Leave me a comment!
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