Read about the complicated nature of perfectionism and learn how to identify your perfectionistic expectations. Self-compassion is the proven way to treat toxic perfectionism.

My mindfulness journey started at the beginning of the year with my Commitment to Calm. As an anxious, exhausted, distracted mom, I knew I needed a mindset shift. I’ve been working at it ever since, in the trenches, doing the work, and writing about it so you can share the journey with me. If I can do it, so can you! But something keeps coming up for me – an internal voice constantly telling me it’s not enough. This insatiable perfectionism can poison my mind at times.

Thanks to mindfulness, I am becoming more aware of these perfectionistic thoughts as they arise. I’m getting better at recognizing them, but still baffled at the weight they carry and how they affect my well-being. To better understand the concept of perfectionism, I dove into the research literature in search of answers. I love evidence-based practices! I learned about several perfectionism frameworks, the good and bad sides of perfectionism, and how self-compassion can play a critical role. Here’s a summary and ways you can apply it to win your own battle with perfectionism.

Defining perfectionism

It’s helpful to define perfectionism in order to understand the underlying thought processes involved. Perfectionism is a standard or belief system built on the expectation that nothing short of perfection, or a flawless ideal, is acceptable.[1] Psychological researchers have defined perfectionism in a multi-dimensional way, meaning it is a complex term encompassing several characteristics. In 1990, researchers created the Frost Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale (FMPS), defining perfectionism as unrealistically high expectations coupled with overly critical self-evaluations.[2] It included six dimensions of perfectionism:

  1. Excessive concern over making mistakes
  2. High personal standards
  3. The perception of high parental expectations
  4. The perception of high parental criticism
  5. The doubting of the quality of one’s actions
  6. A preference for order and organization

This definition and the corresponding six dimensions of perfectionism highlight the multiple ways in which we may put pressure on ourselves to be perfect. We can think of each dimension as a continuum. So, we may score high on one dimension, low on another, or not relate at all to another.

Consider: Think about where you fall on each of these dimensions. How does that affect your internal dialogue? Can you draw a line between healthy versus unhealthy expectations? Can you separate your expectations from those of your parents or significant others? Being able to label perfectionism in this way will allow you to be more mindful when the thoughts arise. Knowing is half the battle!

For example, I put unrealistically high expectations on my own performance. Thus, I would likely score high on the second dimension. My high personal standards are likely related (at least partially) to my childhood. My parents had high expectations of my scholastic performance (dimension #3). Yet, my parents definitely weren’t critical (#4). My preference for order and organization (#6) are also so high that it can be distracting and really annoying – just ask my husband Andrew! However, I don’t tend to obsess about making mistakes (#1) or the quality of my actions (#5) nearly as much as I worry about getting everything done. This highlights the complex nature of perfectionism and how uniquely we each may experience it.

Another model of perfectionism

About the same time the FMPS was developed, the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale (MPS) was developed by another set of researchers.[3] (A little creativity in naming their scale would have been helpful!) Their definition of perfectionism included three dimensions:

  1. Self-Oriented: applying perfectionistic standards to yourself
  2. Other-Oriented: judging others with a high level of perfectionism
  3. Socially Prescribed: the assumption that others hold high levels of expectations of you

This model is helpful in distinguishing how perfectionism can influence expectations, behaviors, and relationships. It highlights the directional nature of perfectionism. In other words, we can direct our high expectations inward, putting pressure on ourselves. Conversely, we can direct it outward, expecting others to uphold some unrealistic performance standards. This can cause us to be overly critical of others (not a great way to win friends!). In addition, we might hold ourselves to a high standard we perceive to be imposed or reinforced by significant others in our lives or even society at large.

Consider: It’s important to think about your own perfectionistic tendencies. In what areas do you have really high standards? Are your standards helpful or unreasonable? Do your own standards spill over into your relationships with others? Consider whether your desire to excel in these areas originates within you or from others/society. You can make a choice which standards you want to adopt or reject.

For example, much of my perfectionism is applied inward, at times to a fault. I set high standards which are often helpful in goal attainment. But sometimes these expectations become unreasonable. Not surprisingly, when they are impossible to accomplish, I am overly harsh with myself. My self-oriented perfectionism, when out of control, demands everything be done perfectly, yesterday. At times, this spills over to those around me. (Sorry boys!) However, I’m not nearly as critical of others as I am with myself. So again, we’re dealing with continuums.

In addition, socially prescribed ideals affects me and countless others in our perfection-driven society. I’m sure some of my self-oriented perfectionism started in my youth with the perception that my parents expected a lot of my academic performance. This socially prescribed perfectionism became internalized. Similarly, societal pressures often cause us to internalize ideals as the norm. Many people deal with body image issues given the societal pressure to be thin and beautiful. Despite the fact that the ideal can be unhealthy and widely unattainable, we often berate ourselves for not fulfilling such a high standard. These examples illustrate how socially prescribed perfectionism can become part of our damaging internal dialogue.

Perfectionism and burnout

This model of perfectionism offers a framework for understanding some of the stress of parenting. There’s the pressure we put on ourselves to be good parents, the high expectations we have of our kids, and the pressure we internalize from the societal image of a perfect parent. Parenting is exhausting enough without this unnecessary stress.

In fact, one study looked at the role perfectionism plays in parenting. High levels of perfectionism actually lead parents to experience burnout.[4] In particular, parents who reported higher levels of socially prescribed perfectionism were more likely to report higher levels of burnout. Matters were worse for parents with high levels of self-oriented perfectionism. Further, there was a gender effect. Mothers were more likely than fathers to report both socially prescribed and self-oriented perfectionism, making them more likely than fathers to experience burnout. To avoid parental burnout, consider your own expectations, differentiate them from others’ expectations, and recognize when they become unreasonable.

Given the discussion thus far, perfectionism seems like a heavy load to carry on your back. In fact, some dimensions of perfectionism, have been correlated with a variety of psychopathological symptoms, and there is a correlation between perfectionism and procrastination.[1] Perfectionism, when taken too far, can set the stage for self-loathing and a mean-girl inner dialogue (as my therapist has pointed out on multiple occasions).

James Clear quote

Perfectionism and self-criticism

So how do we know we’ve taken it too far? When it’s no longer about fulfilling reasonable personal standards, our inner dialogue may spiral into negative self-talk, or self-criticism. One group of researchers found this to be critical in differentiating healthy versus unhealthy levels of perfectionism. They measured participants’ self-oriented perfectionism, self-criticism, and goal attainment.[5] When controlling for self-oriented perfectionism, the more someone engaged in self-criticism, the less progress they reported on their goals. Translation: when you remove perfectionism from the equation, self-criticism is the true culprit and one which hinders goal attainment.

Interestingly, controlling for self-criticism, the higher a participant’s self-oriented perfectionism, the more progress they made on goal attainment. In other words, when you remove self-criticism, there is a positive relationship between perfectionism and goal attainment. So, holding oneself to a high standard doesn’t necessarily equate to negative outcomes. In fact, a little bit of internal pressure might be a good thing. As James Clear put it, “the desire to improve does not have to come from a place of self-loathing.” If our desire to improve originates from an unhealthy place or spirals into negative self-criticism, we will run into problems.

Consider: What motivates your standards and expectations? Is it a form of self-loathing or a form of self-help? When you catch yourself in a perfectionistic thought consider whether you are caring for yourself or simply criticizing yourself. Are you ruminating in worry and second-guessing yourself? Is this how you would talk to a friend? If not, you’re likely being overly critical, which isn’t helpful.

The good and the bad of perfectionism

As the previous study highlighted, perhaps not all forms of perfectionism are bad. Often times, I thought my insanely high expectations motivated me to work hard in both academics and later as a professional. I got shit done. Research tends to agree. In one study, several dimensions of perfectionism, including high personal standards and preference for order and organization, were associated with positive work habits and a high desire to achieve.[1] Thus, another model of perfection, one that incorporates the good and the bad, is helpful.

Combining characteristics from multiple measurements of perfectionism, researchers further refined the definition of perfectionism into two broad categories.[6]

  1. Perfectionistic strivings: the positive side of perfectionism related to setting high personal standards and striving for excellence
  2. Perfectionistic concerns: the negative side of perfectionism, including doubting your own actions and excessive concerns about making mistakes

Many studies support this model. Researchers made the connection between these dimensions and personality traits.[7] Perfectionistic concerns were associated with neuroticism, low agreeableness, and low extroversion, whereas perfectionistic strivings were associated with conscientiousness. In another study, a meta-analysis revealed perfectionistic strivings aided academic achievement, but perfectionistic concerns hindered it.[8]

Perfectionistic strivings can lead us to set stretch goals, maintain high standards, work hard, be achievement-oriented and desire growth and challenge.[9] On the other hand, perfectionistic concerns can be maladaptive, causing us to avoid challenges, fear failure, and develop low self-esteem. The point being, some aspects of perfectionism can be helpful, but only if we are able to keep the detrimental side of perfectionism in check.

Consider: Think about your perfectionistic thoughts. Are they arising from a desire to improve, grow, and challenge yourself? Or, are they arising from a fear of failure, a need to feed your ego, or insecurity? When you stop to ask yourself these questions, you can determine if your perfectionism is helping or hindering your success.

A comprehensive study published in 2020, provided compelling support for this two-factor model of perfectionism.[10] Thus, we can think of perfectionism as a two-sided coin. On one side, it can motivate us to work hard and hold ourselves accountable. On the other side, perfectionism can be detrimental if we become too bogged down in unrealistic expectations or concerns regarding making mistakes. Regardless, we must be mindful of how much perfectionism is polluting our internal dialogue.

Perfectionism remains complicated and ubiquitous

Research shows perfectionism can both aid and hinder us. However, dividing perfectionism into two absolutes may not be entirely accurate. One study measured participants’ perfectionistic strivings (the good) and perfectionistic concerns (the bad) and looked for associations with psychopathology outcomes.[11] Yikes, psychopathology sounds scary! It’s simply jargon for many negative psychological outcomes. In this particular study, outcomes included clinical diagnoses of depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive‐compulsive disorder, and eating disorders; symptoms of these disorders; and outcomes like deliberate self‐harm, suicidal ideation, and general distress.

Both dimensions of perfection (strivings and concerns) were associated with various forms of psychopathology. It’s not surprising that perfectionistic concerns were related to negative outcomes. But this study revealed that even perfectionistic strivings can be harmful. Thus, it’s important to note that strivings lean positive, and concerns lean negative, but perhaps it’s not completely cut and dry.

Similarly, another study looked at both perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns and their implications for performance in sports.[12] Results related to perfectionistic strivings were complicated, revealing a positive relationship with sports performance. However, athletes’ strivings had both positive and negative effects on motivation and well-being. Overall, perfectionistic strivings were less problematic than perfectionistic concerns, which were negatively associated with motivation and well-being. Thus, some levels of perfectionistic strivings may help athletes up to a certain point, but perfectionistic concerns can clearly hinder performance.

Unfortunately, perfectionism isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. A recent study looked at data collected from 1989 to 2016, including 164 samples of tens of thousands of college students from multiple countries.[13] All participants completed the same MPS survey, so the researchers could compare perfectionism scores over time. Data showed increases in all three dimensions of perfectionism, meaning we’re becoming more perfectionistic as a society. This trend was true for all samples in the US, Canada, and the UK. In ranked order, students perceived others to be more demanding of them, were more demanding of others, and were more demanding of themselves than previously observed. Thus, perfectionism is both complicated and getting worse.

Tara Brach quote

Self-compassion: The missing link

So far, we’ve discussed how to define, and therefore identify our perfectionistic thoughts. Clearly some types and levels of perfectionism can serve us well, and some can completely devastate us. How do we find the right balance? It appears self-compassion is the missing link. When I started researching perfectionism, I didn’t expect to end up writing about self-compassion, but the data doesn’t lie. Self-compassion appears to play a key role in differentiating between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism.

Research on perfectionism shows self-compassion has a huge positive impact. In one study, those who scored higher in the maladaptive forms of perfectionism also had lower levels of self-compassion. In addition, those exhibiting adaptive forms of perfectionism scored higher in positive self-judgment.[14] When there’s an association, it’s unclear which comes first, the unhealthy perfectionism or the lack of self-compassion. But the point is they tend to go together.

Researchers investigated the relationship between self-compassion, well-being, and perfectionism.[15] Self-compassion was negatively correlated with both perfectionism and psychological symptoms. Meaning, as self-compassion increased, perfectionism and distress decreased. Those who showed self-oriented perfectionism and self-compassion had higher life satisfaction scores. Thus, we benefit from self-oriented perfectionism when it is combined with a healthy dose of self-compassion!

And yet another study followed adults over the course of two years, measuring their mindfulness, self-compassion, anxiety, and depressive symptoms.[16] Those who were more self-critical at baseline and showed less mindfulness and self-compassion after one year, were also more likely to display higher psychological distress and anxiety at the two-year mark. In other words, mindfulness and self-compassion play a critical role in reducing vulnerability to anxious and depressive symptoms in self-critical perfectionists.

In multiple studies, self-compassion moderated the link between perfectionism and depression.[17] For participants who exhibited self-compassion, perfectionism was less likely to lead to depression. In fact, the authors argued self-compassion interventions be used to prevent perfectionism from becoming detrimental to psychological health.

Another study measured perfectionism, self-compassion, and depression in hundreds of Chinese college students.[18] Not surprisingly, the negative forms of perfectionism were associated with depression. Conversely, the more participants engaged in positive forms of perfectionism and self-compassion, the less likely they were to be depressed.

Not convinced yet? Two more studies showed self-compassion can break the link between the dark side of perfectionism and negative outcomes. In one, students engaged in 20-minute mindfulness practices using yoga and breath work over the course of a semester.[19] It reduced their stress, decreased the maladaptive aspects of perfectionism, and increased their self-compassion. In the other, nursing students’ self-compassion levels increased as their perfectionism levels decreased.[20]

If you take a step back and think about it, it makes perfect sense. Self-compassion is a way to keep that internal mean girl in check. When I came across the studies on self-compassion and perfectionism it was an “aha moment,” like the puzzle pieces fell in-line. I’ve already mentioned my ongoing work on self-compassion several times on the blog, here, here, and here. In fact, I’m reading Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion book right now (blog post coming eventually!). It gives us the tools Tara Brach referred to when she said, “Those who are successful at mindfulness practices regard what is going on inside them with friendliness, warmth, and compassion.” We can analyze our own perfectionism, weeding out the bad and keeping the good.

Consider: When you sense your perfectionistic strivings have gone too far, pause for a moment of self-compassion. Consider if you have truly failed or set unrealistic expectations to begin with. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. Are your thoughts helping you to improve, or are you simply beating yourself up? Do you think you are the only one who has gone through this? Or, is it possible you are going through a normal human experience? Remember that your thoughts are not necessarily true. You can be disappointed and want more for yourself while keeping things in perspective. Allow yourself to have negative thoughts and emotions, but don’t obsess about them.

In summary, you can use the questions in the “consider” boxes to identify your own perfectionistic thoughts. Understanding perfectionism is helpful in being able to identify what’s going on inside your head. Differentiating between healthy and unhealthy forms of perfectionism, stopping critical self-talk, and learning to have self-compassion can all help.

If nothing else, remember this:

I’ve covered a lot of research on perfectionism, and it would be easy to get lost in the weeds. Here are the most important take-home points:

Perfectionism is not all bad. When we have high personal standards, it can motivate us to achieve great things. This is true especially when the desire to perform originates from within. When we internalize others’ expectations of us or turn our expectations on others we can run into problems. Additionally, if we become overly concerned about making mistakes and/or become extremely self-critical, perfectionism can be detrimental.

Perfectionism can poison your mind without self-compassion. The proven way to keep perfectionism in check is through practicing self-compassion. This means we accept our imperfections or failings without being overly critical, recognize our own shortcomings as part of the shared experience of life, and hold our perfectionistic expectations in mindful awareness. Being mindful of our thoughts helps to create a pause between the (perfectionistic) thought and the (critical) reaction. When your perfectionism poisons your thoughts, self-compassion is the only antidote.

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[1] https://www.dictionary.com/browse/perfection

[2] Frost, R.O., Marten, P., Lahart, C. et al. The dimensions of perfectionism. Cogn Ther Res 14, 449–468 (1990). https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01172967

[3] Hewitt, P. L., and Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. J. Pers. Soc. Psychol. 60, 456–470. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.60.3.456

[4] Sorkkila, M., & Aunola, K. (2020). Risk factors for parental burnout among Finnish parents: The role of socially prescribed perfectionism. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29(3), 648-659.

[5] Powers, T., Koestner, R., Zuroff, D., Milyavskaya, M., & Gorin, A. (2011). The Effects of Self-Criticism and Self-Oriented Perfectionism on Goal Pursuit. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37, 964 – 975.

[6] Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive Conceptions of Perfectionism: Approaches, Evidence, Challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10(4), 295–319. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327957pspr1004_2

[7] Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Vidovic, V., Saklofske, D. H., Stoeber, J., & Benoit, A. (2019). Perfectionism and the five-factor model of personality: A meta-analytic review. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 23(4), 367-390.

[8] Madigan, D. J. (2019). A meta-analysis of perfectionism and academic achievement.

[9] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism

[10] Woodfin, V., Binder, P. E., & Molde, H. (2020). The Psychometric Properties of the Frost Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale–Brief. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 1860.

[11] Limburg, K., Watson, H. J., Hagger, M. S., & Egan, S. J. (2017). The relationship between perfectionism and psychopathology: A meta‐analysis. Journal of clinical psychology, 73(10), 1301-1326.

[12] Hill, A. P., Mallinson-Howard, S. H., & Jowett, G. E. (2018). Multidimensional perfectionism in sport: A meta-analytical review. Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology, 7(3), 235.

[13] Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138

[14] Linnett, R. J., & Kibowski, F. (2020). A multidimensional approach to perfectionism and self-compassion. Self and Identity, 19(7), 757-783.

[15] Alaloglu, G., & Bahtiyar, B. (2020). THE PREDICTIVE ROLES OF PERFECTIONISM, SELF-HANDICAPPING AND SELF-COMPASSION ON PSYCHOLOGICAL WELL–BEING. Psychology Applications & Developments VI Advances in Psychology and Psychological Trends Series Edited by: Prof. Dr. Clara Pracana and Prof. Dr. Michael Wang, 204.

[16] Tobin, R., & Dunkley, D. M. (2021). Self-critical perfectionism and lower mindfulness and self-compassion predict anxious and depressive symptoms over two years. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 136, 103780.

[17] Ferrari, M., Yap, K., Scott, N., Einstein, D. A., & Ciarrochi, J. (2018). Self-compassion moderates the perfectionism and depression link in both adolescence and adulthood. PloS one, 13(2), e0192022.

Abdollahi, A., Allen, K. A., & Taheri, A. (2020). Moderating the role of self-compassion in the relationship between perfectionism and depression. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 38(4), 459-471.

[18] Wei, S., Li, L., Shi, J., Liang, H., & Yang, X. (2020). Self-compassion mediates the perfectionism and depression link on Chinese undergraduates. Annals of Palliative Medicine.

[19] Beck, A. R., Verticchio, H., Seeman, S., Milliken, E., & Schaab, H. (2017). A mindfulness practice for communication sciences and disorders undergraduate and speech-language pathology graduate students: Effects on stress, self-compassion, and perfectionism. American Journal of Speech-Language Pathology, 26(3), 893-907.

[20] Hiçdurmaz, D., & Aydin, A. (2017). The Relationship Between Nursing Students’ Self-Compassion and Multidimensional Perfectionism Levels and the Factors That Influence Them. Journal of Psychiatric Nursing/Psikiyatri Hemsireleri Dernegi, 8(2).