I’ve learned even well-intentioned loved ones can exacerbate anxiety with the wrong comment. To avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings, here are five things to say to a loved one with anxiety.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month in America, a time to build awareness and acceptance around mental health issues. And it’s certainly needed. In the United States, one in five adults and one in six youth (ages 6-17) experience a mental health condition in a given year.[1] Often, people struggle in silence. One of my goals for the blog is to change that, to create a community for those working through anxiety. As such, it’s no secret I have anxiety. But for many, admitting they are anxious or talking about it with a loved one is difficult. If your friend or family member is experiencing anxiety, here are five things you can say (or not say) to be helpful.

1. You are not alone.

Mental illnesses are common, and your anxious loved one is not alone. In fact, anxiety has become even more prevalent since the pandemic. Mental Health America (MHA) reported an increase in those screened for moderate to severe symptoms of anxiety throughout 2020.[2] In September 2020, the rate of anxiety peaked, with over 80% of people screened scoring with moderate to severe symptoms of anxiety. Unfortunately, levels of anxiety still remain higher than pre-pandemic levels.

To be clear, you are not saying, “We all feel anxious.” This feels dismissive and minimizes their suffering. There’s a big difference between feeling anxious occasionally and being diagnosed with anxiety. Instead, your loved one simply wants to feel some sense of normalcy, that others are diagnosed with the same condition. People screened for mental health conditions by MHA, struggled most with the loneliness and isolation.[2] Anxiety is serious, but they aren’t alone in their diagnosis, nor do they have to struggle alone.

2. There is no reason to feel ashamed.

Unfortunately, anxiety can bring feelings of shame, embarrassment, and isolation. Further exacerbating it, anxiety can cause people to withdraw. The cost of mental health care and insurance are obvious barriers to treatment, but prejudice and discrimination also create barriers.[1] Being withdrawn and feeling ashamed prevent people from seeking treatment. It’s time to end the stigma and normalize mental illness.

You can do your part by being accepting of your loved one’s mental health challenges. It has nothing to do with strength or weakness. Remind yourself (and them) that you would never shame someone for being diagnosed with the flu or cancer. The same applies to anxiety or any other mental illness. When your words and actions show there is no need to feel ashamed, your loved one will feel more accepted and unconditionally loved. Even if you think your loved one knows you are not ashamed, tell them.

3. It’s okay to not be okay.

When I start to feel anxious, I want to run, both figuratively and literally. I want to run away from wherever I am, and I also want to run away from the internal sensations of anxiety. However, I started practicing mindfulness and am learning to sit with those emotions more. Part of that success comes from realizing it’s okay to not feel okay. There’s a freedom in allowing the anxiety to be present.

To clarify, I’m not advising you to tell your loved one they need to take up mindfulness. No one wants to be lectured by their loved one during a moment of need. Instead, validate that you heard them and understand they are anxious. Let your words and actions say, “It’s ok that you feel anxious. I’m here with you. There’s no pressure for you to feel good right now.” You are simply there to support them, not solve the problem. Unfortunately, you can’t fix anxiety for your loved one, but you can be there to tell them it’s ok to experience the anxiety.

Responses like, “Just relax for a minute. Do this meditation. Maybe you need to take a deep breath!” while attempting to be helpful, can feel dismissive. I always feel more stressed when I’m told to just calm down. You are not saying, “You’re okay.” You are saying, “It’s okay that you’re not okay.” There’s a difference. The first feels like you’re minimizing their reality. The latter feels safe, supportive, and validating.

4. How can I help?

Chances are, your loved one knows at least a few things they can do to relieve their anxiety. So, there’s no need to tell them what you think they should do. Instead, let them tell you what they need. Perhaps, like me, they get relief from moving. If they need to go on a walk you can offer to keep them company. Or, offer to watch the kids (if applicable) so they can walk alone. Each person is different, so the key is letting your loved one tell you what they need from you. People don’t want to ask for help, but will often accept it when given the chance.

5. I support your decision (if they need counseling or medication).

Mental illnesses are treatable. Unfortunately, less than half of adults in the US who experience mental illness each year get help.[1] There are multiple reasons for this, from lack of insurance to shame. You may not be able to affect the healthcare system or provide insurance, but you can certainly refrain from shaming them. If your loved one decides to seek help, make it easier for them by being supportive. This helps remove the unfortunate stigma our society has towards mental illness.

People are more likely to seek help if they don’t feel judged for it. We would never shame someone for going to a cardiologist or question their need to take blood pressure medicine. Likewise, we should never shame or question someone who needs professional guidance or medication for a mental illness. If you can’t offer some level of support, then be silent.

Ultimately, if your loved one is anxious, the best thing you can do is show them love and acceptance. If you use one or all of the five statements above, your loved one is more likely to feel supported. For more resources on Mental Health Awareness Month, see https://www.mhanational.org/ or https://www.nami.org/home.

Did I miss something? What do you want to hear from your loved ones? Leave me a comment.

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[1]National Alliance on Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Awareness-Resources

[2]Mental Health America: https://mhanational.org/issues/state-mental-health-america