Self-compassion is a healthier way to relate to our struggles and difficult emotions. Read about the components, benefits, and five ways we can build our own capacity.

Many of us have a relentless need to be above average. Our society values individualism and accomplishments, causing us to constantly strive to achieve more and more. We attempt to prove our self-worth through producing or meeting impossible standards. This comes at a huge cost to our mental and physical well-being.

But what if there were a better alternative? That’s the compelling argument presented in Kristin Neff’s book, Self-Compassion.[1] She’s researched and written on this topic for a long time, helping to define and operationalize the concept. This not only provided insights into what it means to be self-compassionate, but also created actionable ways in which we can all become more self-compassionate.

Self-compassion is something I’ve taken to heart over the last six months. Chances are, you should too. Inspired by Neff’s book, I define self-compassion, summarize why it’s beneficial, and provide five exercises so you can develop it too.

My need for self-compassion

My therapist once observed, “You have a pretty harsh inner mean girl.” What she said didn’t come as a shocker to me. I’ve always known I have impossibly high expectations. Despite knowing deep down that my standards are impossible, I still continue to push myself, overcommit, and obsess about the to-do list. This has caused its fair share of issues, like burnout, stress, feelings of inadequacy, and temper tantrums. I’m not really selling myself here, but it’s true. And, I know I’m not alone.

Enter, self-compassion.

At my therapist’s urging, I started practicing self-compassion. The first step was for me to recognize when I was being harsh or unsympathetic. This was particularly useful in addressing my anxiety, which caused a lot of frustration. When anxious, my anger with myself would escalate quickly. It was annoying for internal alarm bells to go off while trying to do a normal, everyday activity. My internal dialogue would sound something like, “Ugh! Why is this happening? I’m so sick of this!”

My therapist encouraged me to respond to my anxiety with self-compassion instead. This changed my response to something more like, “I’m feeling anxious. That’s normal for me and a reasonable response given the stress I’m under. I’m safe. Breathe.” I’m sure I rolled my eyes when she first told me to do this, but I was desperate to feel better. To my surprise (but not hers!) it helped. It didn’t instantly resolve my anxiety, but it deescalated it in a way that being frustrated and harsh could not. It may sound simple, but it was a huge breakthrough for me.

More on how I changed this thought pattern here.

Thus, I experienced success using self-compassion while anxious. This opened the door to using self-compassion in all areas of my life. After all, my harsh inner mean girl doesn’t stop at anxiety. She’s an equal-opportunity hater, and any struggle or negative emotion is fair game. So, I’ve been working on understanding the concept of self-compassion, particularly in learning and applying the concepts in Kristin Neff’s book, Self-Compassion.

What exactly is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a term used frequently in the mindfulness arena. When I first became aware of my own need for self-compassion, I thought of it as being nicer to myself or even going easier on myself. But it’s a lot more than that. Merriam-Webster defines compassion as “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.”[2] Extrapolating, self-compassion is sympathetic awareness of our own struggles and a desire to alleviate our suffering. (If this feels too touchy-feely for you, I get you. Stick with me here.)

The three components of self-compassion

In Self-Compassion, Neff breaks self-compassion down into three components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness requires us to acknowledge our pain and react with sympathy, warmth, and support. Common humanity is a perspective in which we accept that as humans, we all suffer, make mistakes, and have imperfections. We need realistic expectations for ourselves and to recognize we aren’t in this struggle alone. Finally, mindfulness calls for us to acknowledge our negative feelings without blowing them out of proportion.

So where do you fall on the self-compassion continuum? Neff has an assessment you can take for free and get instant results here.

Not surprisingly, I scored in the lower-to-mid range overall, with my lowest scores in self-kindness and self-judgement.

Self-compassion is a way to approach our thoughts and feelings in a supportive way. Think of it as learning to talk to ourselves the way we would talk to a close friend or child in need of support. How would we pick them up, dust them off, and encourage them to keep going? It entails being nice without glossing over the truth. Self-compassion requires us to recognize our humanness by setting realistic expectations and remembering our struggles are part of life. Finally, it teaches us to face our feelings without getting carried away in our own drama. It’s being kind to ourselves.

What self-compassion isn’t

When my therapist first started talking about self-compassion it made me uncomfortable to think of going easy on myself. I also didn’t want to fool myself into some type of toxic positivity in which I ignored reality. But that’s not really how self-compassion works. Self-compassion is not about being lazy or falsely inflating our sense of self. Quite the contrary, it’s about honesty, perspective, and kindness.

Having self-compassion does not equate with laziness. We aren’t honoring ourselves or our potential if we just give up and accept everything we don’t like. On the other hand, we also aren’t honoring our potential if we set impossible standards and bully ourselves when we fail to live up to them. We can’t criticize ourselves into motivation. Trust me, I’ve tried. Self-compassion helps us strike the balance between reasonably striving for more and mindfully accepting life’s limitations.

For more on balancing this type of push and pull, see my discussion on life’s duality.

In fact, Neff offers an exercise in one chapter that helps draw the distinction between critical thoughts and motivation. She asks readers to think of the ways in which we criticize ourselves in hopes it will motivate change. If we’re being honest with ourselves, many of us will admit our own self-talk isn’t motivating at all. Is this how we would try to motivate a good friend or child? Probably not, because it doesn’t work. Whereas critical self-talk hinders motivation, self-compassion provides a necessary safety net.

For more on this, see my discussion on the critical role of self-compassion in perfectionistic strivings.

For me, the top three areas I’m always working on are my productivity (I’m not accomplishing enough), body image (I’m not thin enough), and my parenting (I’m not good enough). When I went through Neff’s exercise, writing down the critical comments I make to myself, it became obvious that I’m not motivating myself at all. Quite the opposite, it’s demoralizing, makes me feel terrible, and makes me want to hide in shame.

So, being mean to ourselves clearly isn’t healthy (or accomplishing the intended change), but can being kind to ourselves work? According to Neff’s research, yes. People who are self-compassionate still have high standards for themselves. The difference is, they aren’t as hard on themselves when they don’t meet these standards. Actually, self-compassionate people are more personal growth-oriented and more likely to have plans and goals for accomplishing change.

Think about how we would motivate a child learning to read. We would offer honest feedback in a supportive environment, because most of us know better than to criticize a child who’s trying. We could have high expectations AND keep them motivated when they make mistakes. This doesn’t mean we would let them be lazy or not hold them accountable. Thus, being compassionate wouldn’t kill their motivation. Rather, it provides an opportunity for them to flourish. We can do the same for ourselves.

Being self-compassionate fosters motivation and decreases counterproductive self-criticism. The only time it involves a lowering of our standards is when we strive for impossible, perfectionistic ideals. Just as criticism is demotivating, so is having an impossible standard. Instead, we can hold ourselves accountable in a way that’s supportive, realistic, and values our humanness. Self-compassion is the better alternative.

Benefits of self-compassion

Neff offers extensive research findings on the benefits of self-compassion. Although Self-Compassion is written with a conversational tone, it’s all backed by empirical research, sprinkled throughout the text. Below is a list of some of the most compelling findings presented in the book.

Individuals who score high on self-compassion:

Mental health

  • Have less anxiety, depression, and negative emotions
  • Experience more happiness, optimism, and positive emotions
  • Have fewer ruminating thoughts
  • Are more authentic and autonomous (comfortable in their own skin)

Emotions

  • Are less likely to suppress unwanted thoughts and emotions
  • Score higher on emotional intelligence
  • Have higher self-esteem
  • Are less likely to get flustered or humiliated by something embarrassing or negative feedback

Relationships

  • Create close, authentic, mutually supportive friendships
  • Feel others’ pain without becoming overwhelmed by it
  • Have happier, more satisfying romantic relationships

In general, people who are self-compassionate can relate to their negative emotions with mindfulness. They don’t deny negative feelings like fear, shame, and inadequacy. Instead, they acknowledge them and keep them in perspective. Compassionate people can soothe themselves when they feel bad, deactivating their body’s threat signals with warmth and safety. As a result, self-compassionate people experience lower rates of depression and anxiety. In sum, self-compassion alleviates suffering and helps people rebound from setbacks.

How to boost self-compassion

The good news is we can develop self-compassion. The starting point is simply gaining awareness of our thoughts. Noticing when we are struggling, being overly critical, or dealing with a difficult emotion IS progress. Once we are aware, we can choose how to approach our experience from three different angles, what Neff refers to as “Three Doorways In” (p.102). Essentially, we can use one of the three components of self-compassion to process our situation.

When struggling, the first option, self-kindness, is to simply give ourselves the kindness and care we need in the moment. Second, we can consider our shared human experience by reminding ourselves that our pain or discomfort is part of life. Finally, we can opt to use mindfulness to approach our thoughts and emotions from a space of open curiosity. We don’t have to do all three. Simply working on one approach can build our capacity for self-compassion.

As a side note, when I first read about the shared human experience component of self-compassion, I was skeptical. It conjured an image of sitting in a circle, holding hands, singing songs that just didn’t resonate with my somewhat cynical skepticism. But I have to say, I was wrong. As I’ve worked on being more self-compassionate, I’ve paused when feeling upset and reminded myself my emotions were just part of being a normal human. “Welcome to the party,” as my therapist says. It’s just life. This thought process, which takes a millisecond, has been surprisingly effective at diffusing my emotions.

For example, my temper escalates quickly when I ask the kids to do something repeatedly only to be ignored. It’s frustrating! It can put me in a cranky mood in which I say things I don’t mean. Sometimes it even spills over, clouding my judgment of my entire life.

Instead of getting carried away in this woe-is-me pity party, I remind myself these are normal emotions to have in a given day. Thoughts like “Why doesn’t ANYONE listen to me in my house? Why is this so hard? Everything is a struggle!” are replaced with “Sometimes kids don’t listen. All parents deal with this. Nothing can be perfect all the time.” This doesn’t mean I don’t feel them, I’m just getting better at keeping them in perspective. It’s an easy tool to keep my negative emotions in check.

So, we can choose to enter a space of self-compassion through one of the three doorways, but there are also numerous exercises that can facilitate this. Each chapter of Self-Compassion offers multiple exercises or assignments. As I read it, I stopped to complete the majority of them. Some are meant to be done in the moment in which you actively experience pain. However, others can be done at any time to build your self-compassion capacity. Below are my top five favorite exercises, adapted from Neff’s writings.

One: Create a mantra

It’s important to become more aware of our self-defeating thoughts. But then what? It takes practice to learn to respond to our struggles in a more compassionate way. One way to facilitate these efforts is to come up with our own mantra, or a set of memorized phrases repeated silently as needed. Every time we catch ourselves being unrealistic or unnecessarily harsh, we can interrupt the loop with this memorized mantra. Neff suggests the following (p. 119):

“This is a moment of suffering.

Suffering is part of life.

May I be kind to myself in this moment.

May I give myself the compassion I need.”

The mantra can be modified however we see fit so it’s easy to remember, natural, and representative. However, it’s important to include all three components of self-compassion, kindness, humanity, and mindfulness, in the mantra. In other words, it should label our suffering, remind us we are human, and evoke sensitivity. The mantra I came up with is:

“I’m suffering right now.

I’m human and this is part of life.

May I be kind and compassionate.”

You can use one of these or come up with your own. Just remember, this approach takes time. If we consistently respond to ourselves with the same mantra, it will become habit. As I mentioned, I’ve been thinking about and working on self-compassion for months now. At first, it took a long time to simply catch myself in a negative internal dialogue and be able to use the mantra. And sometimes that’s still the case. But I’m getting better. It’s about the practice over time, not being perfect every time.

Two: Practice a self-compassion, loving-kindness meditation

Loving-kindness mediation is a traditional Buddhist meditation practice in which a person repeats a phrase or series of phrases that are meant to evoke feelings of warmth, friendliness, and good will. Often, it starts with a focus on the individual and then expands to include loved ones or even all of mankind. There isn’t one right way to do a loving-kindness mediation and the phrases can change.

Neff mentions the following loving-kindness meditation as an example: “May I be safe, May I be peaceful, May I be healthy, May I live with ease,” (p. 201). She encourages people to expand this by putting a self-compassion spin on the meditation. For example, we can meditate while repeating the phrases (p. 202):

“May I be safe,

May I be peaceful,

May I be kind to myself,

May I accept myself as I am (or my life as it is).”

Just like with the mantra, this can be individualized to whatever works for you. I’ve been playing around with this and trying to figure out what speaks to me. While meditating, I’ve practiced with several phrases in order to find something that feels natural to me. The goal is to evoke both loving-kindness and self-compassion without feeling like I’m using someone else’s words. Here’s what I’ve been using lately:

“May I feel safe,

May I be calm,

May I have gratitude,

May I be kind to myself,

May I accept life as is.”

The first phrase is an acknowledgement of how important it is for me to feel safe. Often my anxiety signals threat when there is none. It’s soothing when I recognize that, place a hand on my chest, and remind myself that I am safe. The second embodies the ultimate goal for me: feeling peaceful, remaining grounded, and being in the present moment. Third, gratitude practice brings me contentment, highlighting the good over the bad. The fourth phrase prompts me to be kind towards myself, both in my thoughts and my actions. Finally, the fifth phrase encourages me to recognize life as it unfolds. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to improve things, but simply that I accept the current moment and remain grounded in reality without feeling resentful.

If you haven’t given loving-kindness meditation a try, I encourage you to do so. Try it with a self-compassion emphasis using Neff’s phrases, my phrases, or anything that speaks to you. Don’t be afraid to make it yours, put it in your terminology, and be authentic. Remember, it’s not about getting it right, just about doing what works.

Three: Model self-compassion with your children

Neff includes a chapter on self-compassionate parenting. As a mother of three young boys this certainly felt relevant. If we can model self-compassion in front of our kids we’ll provide a better example. We can use the following recommendations when reacting to our own missteps and/or those of our children.

  • Focus on behavior, not character: Say “I made a mistake” instead of “I’m such an idiot.”
  • Emphasize we are all works in progress: Say “I could work on that” or “I’m going to do better next time.”
  • Value effort over perfection: Say “It’s ok to make mistakes” and “None of us are perfect.”

It would be easy to read a chapter like this and think, “I’ve really f’d up in the past. I haven’t modeled any of this.” I have a friend who hates reading self-help books for this reason. It just makes her feel too overwhelmed or anxious about getting it wrong. But I would caution anyone (including myself) that this is the perfect opportunity to show ourselves some self-compassion. Chances are, we’re doing the best we can. When we know better, we can do better. Our children are forgiving. Plus, it’s better if they can see us mess up, admit it, apologize if necessary, and move forward.

Four: Approach negative emotions with self-compassion

Negative emotions are a part of life, but we can learn to soothe ourselves. One way to do that is to get in touch with how our emotions show up physically. When we catch ourselves feeling angry, stressed, frustrated, etc., we can pause, sit down, close our eyes, and focus on soothing the physical sensations. This isn’t about what’s going on in our heads, but rather where in our bodies we feel our feelings.

For example, I focus on the physical manifestation of emotions frequently when feeling anxious. Anxiety shows up as pressure in my neck, tension in my shoulders, tightness in my chest, and/or pain in my stomach. Once I locate the sensation in my body, I focus on comforting it. I might do this by visualizing warmth and healing energy going to that part of my body or relaxing the nearby muscles. This takes the focus away from my negative emotions and redirects it to physical sensations, preventing me from getting wrapped up in an anxious story in my head.

I recognize exercises that take us into the body, so to speak, can be difficult for some people. This is particularly true for cerebral, skeptical, non-touchy feely types. That’s ok. I’ve been there before myself. During a therapy session a few years ago, I was in a lot of pain over the way my father passed away. My therapist asked me to place my hand on my chest to calm myself. My breathing became labored and erratic and freaked me out. I shut down. It was too much at the time to feel the pain in my body. If you can relate, then try the next exercise instead.

We can develop self-compassion by learning to diffuse negative emotions with a rational approach. Again, this keeps us from getting carried away in the stories we tell ourselves. We can do this by walking through the following:

I feel _____________.

This is hard.

This is also part of being a human.

To feel better I can __________.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve caught myself upset about various frustrations and used this approach successfully. Continuing with my previous example of the kids not listening, I walked myself through this exercise.

I feel pissed.

This is really hard right now.

This is also part of parenting. Everyone feels this way at one time or another, especially anyone with three little kids.

I need to close my eyes, take a few deep breaths, and keep it in perspective.

Sounds simple, but it worked. It stopped the catastrophizing. Instead of focusing on something happening to me, it shifted the focus to the feeling, the transient nature of emotions, and the bigger picture. Reminding myself how hard it can feel validated the feelings, but that was quickly followed up with statements to keep the frustration in perspective. Telling myself “Everyone feels this way at times,” kept me from exaggerating my feelings. Plus, it prompted me to take healthy action. This approach can’t solve all our negative emotions but it’s a helpful tool.

Five: Frame a difficult situation with self-compassion

Neff encourages readers to keep a self-compassion journal, writing about difficult events from the day. The key is to reframe them within the three components of self-compassion, by answering the following:

  • Mindfulness: How did you feel during this experience? Describe your emotions without judging yourself for having these feelings. In other words, don’t get angry or frustrated with yourself for feeling this way, but also don’t get lost in the story, exaggerating the impact. Describe it like you would a scientist, with open curiosity. Just the facts.
  • Common Humanity: How is your experience tied to the human experience in general? Is this just part of life? Is this something a lot of people go through? Give some context to the situation. What was going on that might have influenced this to happen?
  • Self-kindness: What do you need to hear to feel better? How would you respond to a child or friend going through this same experience? Be gentle and reassuring.

If you love journaling, I encourage you to journal using Neff’s prompts. Journaling is an evidence-based way to boost mental health. I wish I were a journaler, but I am not into it. Instead, I chose to modify this  into a single writing exercise. I sat down and reexamined a specific event from my past which occasionally resurfaces as anger.

Last year I was burned by a friend. It was stressful and hurtful, and there was never any closure. At the time, it dominated a lot of my thoughts, causing feelings of anger, frustration, and injustice. Time has done a lot to help me move on, as it does for all wounds. However, these unresolved feelings can bubble up to the surface, and the whole internal dialogue starts over again. So, I reframed this difficult experience from a self-compassionate perspective.

Mindfulness: I was hurt, betrayed, and dismissed. It was painful and stressful. It felt like an injustice and unfair, because I was a good friend. When I am reminded of it, I feel angry. I also need to remember this was one friendship. It doesn’t represent all people.

Humanity: Unfortunately, this happens sometimes when we open ourselves up to friendships. Occasionally, someone will betray us. It’s part of being a human and having relationships with other humans. But, I have way more positive than negative experiences with friends. The benefits of friendship far outweigh this experience. In terms of context, I had a lot of stress at that time and focused my negative emotions on this one person. In reality, it was much more complicated than that. Plus, in many ways it has nothing to do with me. She has a history of doing this to others, which is probably related to her strained relationship with her mom. This is more a symptom of her own struggles than an issue with me. When I think about it like this, the anger is replaced by sadness.

Self-kindness: I have every right to feel hurt. Anyone in my position would feel the same way. I wish I didn’t have to go through this, but it’s ok to feel bad. There’s nothing wrong with me. I did the right thing. With time, it won’t hurt as bad. It’s not the end of the world, just of a friendship. In the long run, it’s better though. I can allow myself to mourn the loss, but it’s not worth harboring resentment.

Taking ten minutes to describe my experience within this framework was helpful. Honestly, I thought about the situation so much in the past, I didn’t think I could benefit from writing about it. I’ve already mentally argued with myself, going around in circles about why I was wronged. And I was right, but it was much more helpful to reexamine it within this framework. It forced me to separate this one issue from everything else going on at the time. The exercise allowed me to consider other contributing factors, which I had ignored. It’s been a few weeks since I completed this exercise, and it feels like a weight was released.

These five exercises are just the beginning of what can be done to build our capacity for self-compassion. They help to silence the cruel self-critic and replace it with a supportive friend. When I started Working On Calm, I knew my unrealistic expectations, harsh critical self-judgments, and never-good-enough thoughts had to change. Self-compassion offers a means to accomplish that. I’m still learning to recognize the opportunity and building my own capacity. If I can do it, so can you.

Give one of these self-compassion exercises a try. Let me know how it goes! Leave me a comment below.

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[1] Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion. HarperCollins Publisher.

[2] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/compassion