Erma Bombeck offers a list of regrets as a call to action. Her writing teaches us to stop postponing fun, embrace relationships, and be present for life.

While flipping through some old training materials I came across a newspaper column I used to share with training participants. If I Had My Life to Live Over was written by Erma Bombeck in 1979, and discusses some of her biggest life regrets. Bombeck, an American humorist, was a prolific writer who published 15 books and 4,000 syndicated newspaper columns during her thirty-year career.[1] (I recently purchased a compilation of her best columns and enjoy reading it sometimes before falling asleep.) Her writings focused on the hilarious challenges of suburban life, being a woman, and motherhood.

I read If I Had My Life to Live Over to training participants as they created visions and breakthrough goals. In this column, Bombeck listed many life regrets we can all relate to. Essentially, she wrote about the little moments which often go unnoticed or unenjoyed. I liked to use it in my training to inspire participants to think about their priorities and the values often neglected when living a reactive life.

Similarly, the column is often circulated on the internet for its inspirational qualities. According to Snopes, this column is often falsely attributed to her breast cancer diagnosis. It’s presented as a cautionary tale for enjoying life before it’s too late. However, it was actually printed thirteen years before her cancer diagnosis and seventeen years before her death at the age of 69 from kidney disease.[2] Regardless, it remains one of my favorite reminders of the importance of being present for life.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life to live over would I change anything.

My answer was no, but then I thought about it and changed my mind.

If I had my life to live over again I would have waxed less and listened more.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I’d have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten popcorn in the “good” living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.

I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television … and more while watching real life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband which I took for granted.

I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the Earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for a day.

I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical/wouldn’t show soil/guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now, go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more I love yous … more I’m sorrys … more I’m listenings … but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it … look at it and really see it … try it on … live it … exhaust it … and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.

Erma Bombeck, Eat Less Cottage Cheese and More Ice Cream: Thoughts on Life from Erma Bombeck

Lessons from If I Had My Life to Live Over

Bombeck packs a number of life lessons into a relatively small amount of space, and each line could stand as its own important point. I particularly love how she uses specific examples (like driving with the windows down) instead of sweeping generalizations (like live in the moment). Seeing myself in many of Bombeck’s examples, I gravitate to the regrets I, too, know I’m guilty of committing. More specifically, when I read this column it serves as a motivator to stop postponing fun, embrace relationships, and be present for life.

Stop postponing fun

Bombeck offers multiple examples of how she postponed fun for something less important. Not having friends over, eating popcorn in the good living room, and burning the rose candle are some of my favorites. The core lesson is to enjoy your life – your friends, your living room, your candles. Don’t put off enjoying these things because the house isn’t perfect, you don’t want to mess up the “good” couch, or the candle is a decoration. Who knows how long we have to enjoy these things and we can’t take them with us when we die. Thus, we need to stop postponing our enjoyment of them.   

Interestingly, my kids don’t need a reminder to play and enjoy life. This is an adulthood problem. It seems as though sometime between youth and adulthood we forget that having fun is equally important to being productive. All my boys want to do is have fun. They see fun as life’s purpose. And although there needs to be balance between responsibility and enjoying life, I have to wonder how we get so far off course by adulthood. Making it worse, the more we focus on achievements over experiences, the more we lose touch with how to have fun.

I’ve written multiple times about my struggle with postponing fun. Finding it difficult to let go of the to-do list, I often have to remind myself to pause and enjoy life. I know I’m not alone. Perhaps it’s the value we put on production in a capitalistic society or the unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves, but we stop prioritizing contentment. Unfortunately, the chore list is self-replenishing and never complete. There is always another project to finish or task to complete. Thus, waiting for my to-do list to be complete before allowing myself to have fun is the equivalent of never enjoying life. This is foundational in shifting my focus to being, not doing, and perhaps one reason why Bombeck’s lessons resonate so well with me.

Embrace relationships

Just as Bombeck teaches us to embrace life’s experiences by prioritizing fun, she also teaches us to embrace relationships. There are multiple examples of this in Bombeck’s column. The ones that really get me are her regrets concerning interactions with her kids, like not sitting in the grass or enjoying all the kisses. She also mentions not valuing her grandfather’s stories while he was alive to tell them. Failing to embrace relationships is really a continuation of the previous point. When we fail to enjoy life, we fail to fully realize the value in both experiences and relationships.

A couple of Bombeck’s regrets concern her relationship with herself. Eating cottage cheese instead of ice cream and not allowing herself to rest when sick are prime examples. There’s nothing wrong with cottage cheese, and we can’t eat ice cream for every meal. That’s not what I’m advocating. The lesson I relate to is the need for balanced self-care. Instead of dieting because we hate something about our bodies or to punish ourselves, we can focus on taking care of ourselves. The same can be said for exercising self-compassion when we need to rest. The value comes from treating our bodies with respect and prioritizing our own health.

For more on this topic, refer to Perfectionism is poison; Self-compassion is the antidote.  

Working on my mental health and developing self-compassion are the big goals that prompted my Commitment to Calm and this blog. The interesting thing I’m learning about self-care is that it trickles down. The better I care for myself, the better I care for my family. A few minutes spent in meditation or practicing gratitude are helping me to be a better parent. I’m training my brain to deal with the anxiety and everyday stress so I can embrace the relationships I value most. It’s easy to say I value these relationships. The challenge is in acting that way too. The calmer I become, the more my actions are matching my values. In other words, working on calm is enhancing my relationships.

Be present for life

Most important in Bombeck’s column is the overarching theme of being present for life. This is relevant for remembering to have fun, embracing relationships, and the remaining items on Bombeck’s list. From the specific examples of crying and laughing more in real life, driving with the windows down, or her more generalized closing, it’s all really about showing up for life.

I particularly like the line “look at it and really see it” as a reminder to wake up to what’s right in front of us. There’s so much quickly slipping by. To enjoy life means to pause for it, witness it, take it all in. We can’t do that if we are rushing through all the time. As I’m working on being present for life, I’m finding value in even momentary pauses. I’m pausing to stare into the kids’ eyes (much to their questioning gaze), enjoy the scent of my favorite candle burning, or stretch after working out. These pauses embody those little moments that make life worth living. Bombeck’s closing is a call to action for all of us in need of more presence in our lives.

Moving forward

It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve read If I Had My Live to Live Over, it always renews my motivation. Bombeck’s list of regrets motivates me to stop postponing fun, embrace relationships, and be present for life. Sharing many of the same regrets with Bombeck, it would be easy to turn this lesson into feelings of guilt. But that’s not the point. The lesson we can learn is to start now. It’s never too late.

My Commitment to Calm was motivated by a desire to be more present, keep things in perspective, and enjoy the moment. Bombeck’s column is a wonderful inspiration to continue this journey. I’m a work in progress and this change is slow, but it’s worthwhile. Even just one momentary pause, a pause to look at life and really see it, is a step in the right direction.

Does Bombeck’s column resonate with you? Leave me a comment!

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[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erma_Bombeck

[2] https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/erma-bombecks-regrets/