Want to be calmer? That was my goal! Here are 12 lessons from 12 months of working on calm. If I can learn how to be calmer, you can too.
One year ago, I embarked on a self-care journey that resulted in far greater consequences than I ever imagined. At the time, my anxiety was unbearable, I was stuck in my head, and I feared life was slipping by without me. I desperately needed for things to change and wanted to be calmer.
That’s when I made a Commitment to Calm by prioritizing my mental and physical health. I committed to trying yoga, connecting with my breath, practicing gratitude, and finding pleasure in everyday moments. I envisioned these self-care habits would lead to a calmer life, but your “calm habits” might look different.
I wasn’t sure if any one of these activities would help me feel better, but I was willing to try. With each small act of self-care, I grew calmer. I grew to better tolerate my anxiety, remain present in the moment, and enjoy my life. I’m still a work-in-progress, but I’m in a much better state than when I began a year ago.
If I can learn how to be calmer, so can you. Here are 12 important lessons I learned from working on calm. Use these to build the calmer life you envision.
How to be calmer lesson #1:
Only you can do this work, and it’s work.
Daily self-care requires both a commitment and prioritization. The good news: it only takes a few minutes every day. I started with 10 minutes! The bad news: It takes work.
Modern life is busy, the to-do list is never complete, and distractions are endless. Unless self-care becomes a habit, something that is prioritized each day, it will be impossible to make space for this work. You are the only one that can make this commitment.
You have limited bandwidth that will force you to consider and protect your priorities. This may require you to forgo one activity for a more important act of self-care. You may feel guilty or be forced to put up boundaries, and that can feel uncomfortable. Rest assured, it’s for a good cause. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Although self-care should leave you feeling better overall, it can at times require difficult, emotional work. It’s about improving your relationship with yourself. Identifying your thought-behavior patterns, tolerating difficult emotions, and changing reactionary self-criticisms is hard work. You can do it though!
You can learn how to be calmer by making it a priority, showing up to your practice each day, and honoring your commitment.
If you’re ready to do the work, it’s time to Commit to Calm.
How to be calmer lesson #2:
There is no single solution or magic pill.
Unfortunately, there is no shortcut when it comes to self-care. You must find what works for you as a unique individual. There’s no magic pill, single solution, or one right way to do this.
In addition, your well-being doesn’t come from any one source. Mind, body, spirituality, and social relationships all play a role, among other things. Taking a holistic approach to self-care will ensure you meet your needs. Think of this as forming whole-health habits for a calmer mind and body.
A “calm” life is in the eye of the beholder. Download your customizable plan here!
How to be calmer lesson #3:
Meet yourself where you are.
It’s important to not procrastinate until the timing is right. The timing will never be perfect, your schedule will always be busy, and competing demands will be a reality. Instead, you can simply start today, this hour, this very moment. Wherever you find yourself is where you are meant to begin. Simply start where you are now.
Consider your most immediate needs, and start at a very basic level. Once your basic needs are met, you can expand to more ambitious self-care goals like daily meditation or gratitude practices. This is all part of the process and every effort, no matter how basic, will take you one step closer to a calmer life.
How to be calmer lesson #4:
Small changes lead to big transformations.
Many of us have the tendency to set stretch goals, set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, and then get extremely disappointed when we can’t live up to these expectations. Don’t do this to yourself. It doesn’t work in the long run.
Lasting change starts small, happening at a microscopic level. You can learn to be calm by putting in the effort for a few minutes each day. A small success makes you feel good. The better you feel, the more you can accomplish next time. In this way, small changes help build momentum.
When you start small and build even a little bit of energy, your efforts start to compile like a cartoon snowball rolling down a hill. Starting small, keeping your focus on micro-habits, and expanding as you grow is the way to transformation.
Focusing on small, manageable goals is one of my favorite lessons from The Happiness Advantage. For more lessons, read this!
How to be calmer lesson #5:
Personal growth is never linear.
There are few things in life that are 100% effective, 100% of the time. The same is true for human behavioral change. We have successes, plateaus, setbacks, and then do it all over again. This could be really frustrating without the proper perspective, which is why it’s important to understand that personal growth is never linear.
Setbacks can be viewed as learning opportunities. They reveal competing demands, a need for boundaries, ineffective coping mechanisms, and so much more. Any one behavior or any one day isn’t a true reflection of progress. Instead, it’s all about the patterns. Thus, it’s important to take a macro-level view when learning how to be calmer.
For more on the chaotic, non-linear nature of change, read this!
How to be calmer lesson #6:
Resistance equals persistence.
I often resisted my anxiety without realizing it. I’d have mental arguments with myself, trying to rationalize my way out of my anxiety. The more I tried to convince myself to not be anxious, the more my body responded with more anxiety.
Once I learned to let go of the control, and allow the anxiety to occur, the more quickly it resolved. It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s true. The more you resist something, the more likely it is to block your progress.
You can’t control everything in your life, nor can you control others. There is no value in wishing the present moment away or pining for something else. Rather, you can learn to sit with your emotions instead of resisting them. Although difficult in the moment, this process can teach you to be calmer in the long run.
For an illustrative metaphor about resisting anxiety, read this!
How to be calmer lesson #7:
Self-love is the best motivator.
I have a history of working on myself. I sought out the most advanced education I could, set and achieved goals, read self-help books, and tried meditation, yoga, workouts, and diets. None of these things are bad; it was the source of my motivation that was the problem. I wasn’t doing these things to care for myself, I was doing these things to fix myself, and ultimately it never worked.
In other words, your motivation for changing must come from a place of self-love. Learning how to be calmer is a way to care for yourself, not fix yourself. Self-compassion unlocks growth potential, whereas self-loathing impedes progress. Self-love, while making many of us squeamish, is the best motivator.
For more on the evidence behind self-compassion, read this!
How to be calmer lesson #8:
Think mindfully.
We constantly talk to ourselves, and this chatter can be destructive. It’s easy to get wrapped up in thoughts and emotions. Something bad happens, everything in life is bad. This is where mindfulness can make a huge difference.
Mindfulness is a way to be present in the moment without judgment. Don’t be discouraged if this sounds vague. You can learn to be more mindful of your thought and behavior patterns with awareness and practice. When you are mindful, you separate yourself from your thoughts and refrain from getting carried away in the stories you tell yourself. In essence, you learn how to be calmer when your emotions are anything but calm.
The more mindful you become, the more you can understand the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It teaches you to let go of unhealthy patterns so you can establish better coping mechanisms. Thinking mindfully shifts your perspective to one of awareness and curiosity. This is where the real learning takes place.
For more on using mindfulness to build awareness and overcome self-criticisms read this article on elephant journal.
How to be calmer lesson #9:
Your breath is your anchor.
Breathing is the one, single practice which brought the most relief to my anxiety. Time spent in formal meditation trained my mind to release thoughts and come back to the present. It helped me practice getting out of my head and down into my body.
You don’t have to be an expert in meditation to connect with your breath. Learning some very easy breathing techniques is a great way to get started. Don’t get too wrapped up in getting it “right.”
You don’t even need to learn to meditate in a formal way if that sounds too intimidating. Instead, simply focus on learning a breathing technique that works for you. Practice for a few minutes each day when you are comfortable. Then, go back to this practice when you feel stressed or anxious. It really is that simple.
For instructions on specific breathing techniques, read this and this.
How to be calmer lesson #10:
Seek out and savor the good.
If we make it a priority, we can find a lot more to enjoy in life. We forget to do this as adults, and it is incredibly important for our well-being. In fact, this is how we can practice being, instead of doing.
There are multiple ways to seek out the good in life. Incorporate play into your priorities or engage in more activities that help you find your flow. Take a mindful moment for something you enjoy or that gives you pleasure.
We can savor these moments by starting a gratitude practice. Try recording three good things from the day in a journal or going around the dinner table listing these things out loud. Or simply pause after an enjoyable moment and let the experience sink into your conscious awareness. Savoring these moments ensures your brain has a chance to encode pleasurable experiences into memory.
For some creative ways to practice gratitude, read this!
How to be calmer lesson #11:
Move your body in multiple, fun ways.
If you want to feel better and calmer, you have to find enjoyable ways to move your body. Exercise boosts well-being and helps alleviate anxiety. Make it even better by walking outside or exercising with a friend.
It’s best to move in a variety of ways. I prefer to incorporate some type of cardio, strength, and stretching into my weekly routine. In 2021, I incorporated a lot more yoga into my workouts. It’s a wonderful way to practice mindfulness through movement. But you don’t have to do yoga to learn how to be calmer.
If you don’t love the form of movement, you won’t do it regularly. If it hurts, you won’t be motivated to stick with it. Don’t worry about the newest fad or a strict exercise regime. It is important to move your body in ways that are enjoyable to you.
Self-renewal is a foundational habit in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Exercise plays a key role in this. Read more here!
How to be calmer lesson #12:
Connection breeds contentment.
Humans have an innate need to feel connected to others and the world around them. It’s an evidence-based way to boost well-being and an important component in learning how to be calmer.
One way to connect is through social interactions, which strongly influence longevity. In today’s busy world, it’s important to proactively schedule quality time with friends and family.
Reach out to the grandma you never call, what I call a random act of connection. Consider writing a gratitude letter to a friend, which is both a way to connect and savor the good. Ask a friend to go on a walk with you, which checks three boxes: movement, connection, and nature. You can even play a game with your pet to feel more connected.
Another way to boost contentment is by connecting with nature. Even better, look for moments of awe in nature. These are little things that inspire wonder and inspiration. Go for a walk outside, take periodic breaks and look out your window, or surround yourself with indoor plants. Even pictures of nature can boost well-being.
Finally, you can connect with yourself. It takes effort, but get comfortable spending time alone. Consider what really brings you happiness and schedule a few minutes each day to make it happen. Pause to listen to your body and give yourself a break when you need it. These are all ways to better connect with yourself and your needs.
No matter how you do it, connection breeds contentment. Plus, you can buoy yourself through the harder times when you have established these solid connections.
A calmer life doesn’t have to be a mystery. Use these 12 lessons to get started today. Remember, this is an individual process, and your progress will be unique. If I learned how to be calmer, and you can do it too!
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