Pausing for self-compassion and mindfulness practices
Employing traditional coping techniques made me feel at war with my anxiety. Instead, I’m learning to pause for self-compassion and mindfulness practices.
Anxiety has played an unpleasant role in my life for about two decades. Some days, months, and years are better than others as my anxiety waxes and wanes, but it’s always there. Early in my struggle with anxiety, I successfully learned to use cognitive-behavioral techniques. Unfortunately, no interventions work 100% all the time, and my anxiety perseveres. Recently, I started coping through self-compassion and mindfulness practices. Validating my anxious thoughts and allowing myself to sit with my emotions is bringing me peace, helping to end the war with the anxiety.
The cognitive-behavioral approach to anxiety
When I was first diagnosed with anxiety, I was taught a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) approach. CBT’s core assumption is that changing our thinking patterns and maladaptive behaviors can alleviate psychological problems.[1] In regards to anxiety, this involves learning to identify the anxious thoughts and associated irrational feelings and behaviors. I’ve already discussed how emotional clarity is beneficial, but this takes it one step further.
I learned to label the anxiety and approach it with rational problem solving. For example, if I started to feel anxious in class, instead of working myself up into a panic, I would think the following:
I’m just feeling anxious. This has happened before, and I know to expect it. I am fine. I can take a deep breath and my heartrate will return to normal in just a few minutes. There is nothing wrong with me. I am safe.
I was also taught to think through so what? scenarios to help myself react rationally. This is known as imaginal exposure, or imagining the worst-case scenario associated with worries. In other words, I would keep asking myself, “So what if I’m nervous? What’s going to happen?” until I convinced myself I was going to be ok. My thoughts would be something along the lines of:
What’s the worst that’s going to happen? I know my body is fine. If I continue to feel uncomfortable, I will get up and leave the room. I do not need to monitor my body. I can leave at any time without it being a big deal.
Finally, I was taught to think through different behaviors I could engage in to quiet the anxiety. I learned to think of solutions or things to do instead of sitting there and feeling anxious. For example, I might reassure myself that I could turn to the person next to me and start a conversation. I could curl and uncurl my toes a few times to focus on something else in my body. Or, perhaps I could get busy doing something else. This is when I first learned the importance of keeping busy. It would often take my attention away from the anxiety long enough for the worried thoughts to stop.
It’s obvious why my psychologist took this approach: it works. Research demonstrates CBT is an effective form of psychological therapy.[2] In some cases, CBT is even better than psychiatric medications![1] In learning to identify the anxiety, approach it rationally, and engage in helpful behaviors, I was able to develop better coping mechanisms.
Pausing for self-compassion
CBT worked and continues to be helpful. However, it has its limitations. It is one tool in my toolbox, but unfortunately, not the cure. I still experience anxiety, despite working through the unhealthy thoughts and associated behaviors. In some ways, focusing so heavily on the rational response has frustrated me. My anxiety doesn’t really care about rationality. I know I’m being irrational and I get mad at myself for being so silly at times.
Last week, I felt anxious while driving. I went through the CBT techniques and still felt anxious. There was no rationalizing it away. I felt nervous and uncomfortable. It lasted for maybe ten or fifteen minutes and resolved by the time I got home. But it pissed me off. There is a lot of shame in knowing how irrational your thoughts and behaviors are but not being able to stop them. I was also angry that I must regularly deal with anxiety. The struggle can be draining and wear me down at times, even if it only lasts for a few minutes.
That’s when I remembered a different approach I’ve been working on. My therapist recommended I practice self-compassion at moments like these. Instead of struggling to rationalize anxiety away and feeling at war with myself, she suggested considering how to be at peace with myself in the moment. This involves taking a moment to pause, practice self-compassion, and allow the feelings instead of fighting them. I’m working on replacing my initial reaction to anxiety with:
I’m feeling anxious. Well of course I’m anxious. I’ve been going through a lot lately. I have every right to feel this way. COVID has really fucked things up. I’m worried about the kids in school, Andrew’s exposure at work, and the general state of the world. My POTS diagnosis made things worse because it was really scary. It is completely normal to feel terrified with my heart racing. Who wouldn’t feel this way right now? It’s ok. My anxiety level is higher right now, but it will get better. I’m safe.
Thus, instead of convincing myself of why I shouldn’t have anxiety, I’m pausing to recognize why I am feeling anxious. Instead of telling myself all the reasons I shouldn’t feel this way, I’m compassionately validating that it’s ok to feel this way. In some ways, this truly feels like a 180-degree turn from the rational war I’ve been waging on my anxiety. Self-compassion is a way to validate the anxiety without putting out a welcome mat. I see it, recognize it, and know why it’s here instead of denying it’s right to exist.
I’ve had a few weeks to work on the self-compassion component. It has been comforting to be compassionate with myself. I’m telling myself, “I’m ok,” but in a way that allows the anxiety to be there rather than immediately trying to force it down. I’m pausing before jumping to problem-solving. My therapist likened it to treating myself like a friend. When a friend is facing a hardship, you don’t bulldoze past the emotional aspect and start convincing them why they will be ok. Instead, you listen, let them talk, support them, and reassure them. The rational part can come, but after the compassion.
Pausing for mindfulness
In addition to practicing self-compassion, I am pausing to be mindful of all the thoughts and feelings occurring when I’m anxious. I’m observing the whole experience without interpretation, like making a list of the facts. I’m taking this slowly since using mindfulness to sit with a negative emotion can feel so uncomfortable.
We can have a whole separate discussion on how to sit with emotions, but essentially it means allowing them to be present without judgement. It involves paying close attention to what is going on in your body, as if a caring mother or interested scientist.[3] This cultivates an attitude of open curiosity over escapism, shame, and frustration.
Practicing mindfulness feels like a drastic departure from the traditional CBT techniques I used in the past. I’m working my way up to feeling comfortable with this practice and am trying it out when I feel strong enough to do so. Essentially, I am bringing my attention to the anxiety, rather than away from it. I remember listening to one of Tara Brach’s talks a few years ago. I believe it was on depression, and I thought she said something along the lines of, “the only way through is through.” For some reason, it really stuck with me.
I looked for the source of this quote and it turns out it comes from a Robert Frost poem. A Servant to Servants[4] is a story of a depressed woman who meets a man camping in the woods. She considers what his life of freedom is like and contrasts it with her role as a housewife. It’s a rambling poem about loneliness, living with mental illness, and life’s burdens. The woman knows that unlike the camper, she can’t run away from life. She resolves that like others before her, she must continue through.
“The best way out is through.”
Robert Frost, A Servant to Servants
Many use this quote to underscore the only way out of our problems is through our problems. I am practicing this each time I truly sit with the anxiety. Instead of convincing myself the anxiety isn’t rational or trying to jump into an activity, I’m leaning into all the sensations associated with the anxiety. I am turning my awareness to how the anxiety is affecting my breathing and my heartrate. I do a body scan, thinking about the feelings in my hands and feet. Rather than trying to change anything in this moment, I’m simply observing without assigning a positive or negative aspect to each sensation.
I have similar experiences in motherhood. This morning, Ike slammed his fingers in the door. I found him screaming on the ground. Even though we needed to run out the door at that moment and I knew he was ok, I paused to give him what he needed. He needed a few seconds of attention and sympathy. I stopped and hugged him and reassured him by telling him I understood how sensitive his fingers are and how much it must hurt. I asked him how it happened and had him move his fingers around, testing each one. I didn’t rationalize about why we needed to get going, or how he just needed to suck it up and be strong. That would have made it worse. If I can pause for my kids, show them compassion, and be present to witness their pain, I can do this for myself.
I’m just getting started with these techniques and don’t always remember to use them first. When I remembered to practice self-compassion and mindfulness over the last few weeks, it’s been helpful. It feels like a more peaceful approach to my anxiety, and I’m still following it up with relevant CBT techniques if necessary. At it’s core, pausing for self-compassion and mindfulness are forms of being, not doing. I’m allowing myself the space I need to be present in the moment. I won’t rid myself of anxiety, so I’m willing to try a more loving, less judgmental approach. I’m starting to think, perhaps I can end my war with anxiety.
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[1] https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral
[2] Kaczkurkin, A. N., & Foa, E. B. (2015). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: an update on the empirical evidence. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 17(3), 337–346. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2015.17.3/akaczkurkin
[3] https://www.mindfulness.org.au/sitting-with-feelings
[4] https://www.poetryverse.com/robert-frost-poems/a-servant-to-servants
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