Before You Lose Your SH!T, Consider These Three Simple Questions.
We all get angry, but if you find yourself stuck in a cycle of anger, reaction, and guilt, it’s time to give this emotion some attention. Read on to learn how to calm down by asking yourself a few simple questions.
Frustrated. Pissed off. Enraged. Annoyed.
There are so many words for anger, and chances are you’ve either experienced all of them or attempted to bury them so you didn’t have to feel them. This can result in a habitual loop of emotions: Anger leads to lashing out, which results in guilt and more anger. Rinse. Repeat.
In other words, we make a habit out of an uncomfortable emotion and an ineffective coping mechanism. When we find ourselves stuck in a loop of anger, it’s time to break the habit.
Anger As A Habit Loop
It’s normal to get angry from time to time. Whether it’s our kids failing to pick up their shoes after being asked fifteen times, our bosses shuttling increasing responsibility onto our plates, or our loved ones bringing up triggering topics at inappropriate times, we’ve all felt the figurative steam billowing out our ears.
When we are triggered by anger it’s easy to react out of habit. We yell at the kids or fire off a nasty message. It might make us feel better temporarily, but then reality sets in and we’re still left with unresolved anger. Even worse, we might feel guilty for the angry outburst. Instead of feeling better, we’ve just piled guilt on top of the anger. Now, we’re even more angry and reactive.
When we fail to address our anger in the moment, it’s easy to get stuck in this habitual loop. We feel angry, we snap, we feel guilty, we feel even more angry, and so on.
Or maybe we suppress the anger with a coping mechanism like alcohol consumption or eating. We feel angry, we don’t like the feeling so we soothe ourselves with wine or Cheetos, we feel lousy, we feel even more angry, and so on.
Either way, unchecked anger can be a miserable place to get stuck. So, how can we calm down before we do or say something we regret? First, we have to break the habit by identifying the real emotion at play. Second, we must learn to feel those feelings. After all, the best way out is through. Finally, we need to give ourselves what we really need in the moment.
TAKE FIVE
Instead of running away with your anger, answer these three questions:
1. Is this truly anger or something else?
2. Where in my body do I feel this emotion?
3. What do I need right now?
Is this truly anger or something else?
Often our anger is a secondary emotion. In other words, we’re not truly angry. Instead, we’re expressing anger because we’re ignoring or suppressing the real cause of our emotions.
For example, this summer I was dealing with several issues that were making me irritable. I found myself pissed off. A lot. My therapist asked if I might be experiencing a different emotion.
My first thought was, “No, I’m angry because x, y, and z gave me a reason to be angry! And by the way, a, b, and c are also making me angry!”
This is the way the human brain works. When we’re drowning in an emotion, it’s easiest to search for and hold onto information that’s consistent with our current state. This is referred to as confirmation bias.
When we feel angry, everything is a trigger. It’s easy for a million infuriating things to come to mind, and we fail to see anything contrary to our anger.
However, we can interrupt this emotion before it takes control. Instead of confirming and reconfirming our anger we can delve deeper into what it might be revealing to us.
Hence, my therapist’s question.
When I took a few minutes to reflect, I realized I was actually feeling scared. I was dealing with multiple stressors and overwhelming uncertainty. My anger was a reaction when my sense of control and safety were lost.
Often, anger is a secondary response to two other emotions: pain and fear.
When we are in pain, whether physical or psychological we are more likely to lash out. As internal resources are eaten up by our pain, we become worn thin and reactive. We don’t have the patience or energy to deal with otherwise minor frustrations.
On a personal note, I found this to be the case after I lost my dad in 2018. Six months later I felt overwhelming anger. Small things would enrage me. It wasn’t until I took a step back that I was able to make the connection between the onset of my anger and his passing.
I thought enough time had passed, and that my grief would manifest as sadness. I was wrong. My grief was bubbling up as a “safer” emotion. Anger felt stronger than grief. It gave me something to rail against rather than feeling the loss.
In addition to pain, anger can be an expression of fear. When we feel scared or anxious, we feel threatened. Just like with pain, our brains have a knack for protecting us from this vulnerability.
If fear can make us feel helpless, anger can help us feel proactive. When we’re angry, we’re doing something. It’s a way to blow off the steam. We’re reacting to a wrong. It feels safer than fear.
For example, I live with anxiety. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me at all. Other times, my anxiety feels crippling. On the rough days, I am way more likely to snap at the kids. I’m a raw ball of nerves and have little bandwidth to deal with even the most minor of infractions. All my energy goes to tamping down the anxiety, and I have nothing left to give. I think I feel anger when I truly feel fear.
This is why it’s important to question our anger before believing it. The brain has a sneaky ability to send us on a wild goose chase. It sucks to feel pain and fear. Instead, feeling anger distracts us and gives us false justification. It’s a funnel for our painful emotions.
Unfortunately, we’re just kicking the can down the road when we do this. Pursuing our anger rather than addressing our pain or fear never works, because resistance equals persistence. (This was one of twelve lessons I learned in my year committed to calm. Read more here!)
Instead, we must pause when we feel ourselves triggered by anger.
TAKE FIVE Take a deep breath, and ask: Is this really anger? Is something else causing me pain – physical or psychological? Is something causing me to feel scared or anxious?”
Why does this work?
Labeling and feeling our emotions are the only ways to move past them.
We can’t acknowledge our emotions when we don’t know what they are. Properly labelling them is half the battle, as I discussed here. Once we know which emotion we are dealing with, we can process and move through it. It starts with the right label.
In addition, it’s important to remind ourselves we feel an emotion, we are not that emotion. This gives us space from the emotion and highlights that our emotions are transitory. We won’t always feel this way. It may sound minor, but the words we use to talk to ourselves carry weight.
TIP Say, “I feel sad,” instead of “I am sad.”
Beware, there’s not always a deep-seeded cause of our anger. Sometimes we’re just angry, plain and simple. Perhaps our frustration is justified. If that’s the case, label it as such and allow yourself to feel the anger. Just as with pain and fear, it’s the only way to move through it. The next question helps with this process.
Where in my body do I feel this emotion?
At this point you might be wondering, how exactly do I “process” the emotion once I’ve appropriately labeled it.
I find it best to move the attention from the head down into the body. This helps us actually feel our feelings rather than think about our feelings.
Our emotions manifest as physical sensations throughout the body. Stress might make our shoulders tense or jaws clench; Pain might make our hearts ache or stomachs turn; Fear might make our pulse race or breath quicken. There’s no right answer here. It’s deeply personal.
TAKE FIVE Whether it’s anger, pain, or fear, ask yourself: Where in my body do I feel this?
Take a few minutes to do a quick body scan. Start at either the top of your head or the bottom of your toes and slowly move through your body. It helps to close your eyes and give it your full attention, although this isn’t required.
When you reach a place in your body where the emotion is manifesting, pause for a breath or two. Really feel it. Notice how it changes, moves, shifts as you give it attention. Then, continue the rest of the body scan, pausing as needed.
Why does this work?
Often our emotions draw us into an unconscious mental loop. We get stuck thinking about the emotion, only growing more and more emotional. It takes over as we are carried away in a story rather than feeling and then releasing the emotion.
This practice breaks that loop. It gets us out of our heads and down into our bodies. It takes something figurative and makes it literal.
Pausing to feel the physical sensation of an emotion, interrupts the mental storytelling, even if just briefly. It helps us pause, get space from the emotion, and process it.
This is a way to practice mindfulness. It brings us into the present moment and physical body. Each time we practice identifying our emotions in our bodies, we strengthen our ability to be aware and curious, two key elements in managing emotions.
What do I really need right now?
The final part of processing anger is to find a healthier way to soothe it. If you’ve properly identified the emotion and taken a few minutes to feel it in your body, you should have a better sense of what you really need (instead of an ineffective temper tantrum).
TAKE FIVE Pause to consider: What do I need right now? What would make me feel better? Try to give yourself what you need.
If you realized you actually feel scared, you might need to help yourself feel safe. For example, you may want to list all the reasons you are ok in the present moment. Perhaps you need a deep breath to signal to your body there is no clear and present danger. Or, maybe you need to simply place your hand on your heart and say out loud, “I am safe.”
Again, this is a deeply personal experience and you have to find what works for you.
If, upon investigating your anger, you realized you really feel hurt, you may want to communicate this to the person who hurt you. Telling someone you are in pain gets you a lot farther in a resolution than lashing out in anger.
Another option, is to give yourself what you need by practicing self-compassion. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your friend. Give yourself moral support, reassure yourself these emotions are a normal part of the human experience, and allow yourself to feel your emotions without getting carried away.
Why does this work?
A lot of times, our emotions are a signal that we need something. They are a warning sign that something is wrong. The challenge is that they can be vague and misleading.
If we simply react to the first raw emotion without considering the underlying need, we often treat the symptom and not the disease. We get stuck in a reactionary loop between our difficult emotions and ineffective coping mechanisms. It’s an ineffective habit loop that must be broken.
For more on dealing with triggering emotions, read this!
When we pause to fulfill our real needs, we learn to care for ourselves. This helps us get better at self-reflection and effective self-soothing. It’s a mindful approach to our emotions in which we become non-reactive. We build a healthier self-care habit.
The great thing about this practice is that it doesn’t require much from us other than five minutes of our time. We can do it anywhere, at any time.
The next time you feel hijacked by your anger, come back to these three questions. Consider if you’re truly experiencing anger. If not, what is this really about? Feel the emotion by experiencing it in your body. Give it your attention instead of suppressing it. Finally, identify what you truly need and try to give it to yourself.
Remember, we are changing habits, and that takes time.
You can do this. Let me know how it goes!
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