If your critical inner voice is in overdrive, it can feel like it’s just never enough. This leads to stress, anxiety, and burnout. Read about the connection between perfectionism and self-criticisms, and learn to manage the inner critic with these ten questions.

Many of us are stressed, anxious, and burned out from the insatiable pressure to do more. We strive to meet unrealistic expectations, and criticize ourselves when we fail to meet these impossible standards. This is perfectionism at its worst.

Perfectionism is the tendency to set unrealistically high expectations from which we measure ourselves and others. It often results in self-criticism, excessive worrying, and fear of failure, all of which can contribute to stress, anxiety, and depression.

When you feel like it’s just never enough, it’s time to get real about your perfectionism. Here’s what you need to know to better manage the inner critic.

For an extensive discussion of the perfectionism research, read Perfectionism is poison; Self-compassion is the antidote.

Dimensions of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is becoming more common in cultures around the globe.[1] There seems to be more and more pressure for adults, and even kids, to live up to exceedingly difficult expectations.

Perfectionism is multi-dimensional, including both good and bad attributes.[2] Perfectionists have high personal standards and a preference for orderliness. They set and strive to meet stretch goals, maintain high standards, work hard, are achievement-oriented, and desire growth and challenge.[3]

Sounds great right? Not so fast!

Impossibly high standards cause perfectionists to worry about making mistakes. They might suffer from a paralyzing fear of failure and their inner critic can be brutal. When striving towards an ideal goes too far, it can be difficult to manage the inner critic. Perfectionism can lead to harsh self-criticisms or even anxiety and depression.

Thus, balance is key.

Perfectionism can vary in its direction as well. Perfectionists may hold themselves to high personal standards (self-oriented), hold others to high standards (other-oriented), or perceive others are holding them to these high standards (socially prescribed). [4]

To manage the inner critic, it’s helpful to understand this differentiation. It indicates the origin of a perfectionistic standard. In other words, the inner critic can originate from both internal and external voices.

Perfectionism and the Inner Critic

Perfectionism turns ugly when it results in an overwhelming sense that nothing is ever good enough (maladaptive perfectionism). When perfectionism leads to harsh self-criticisms, it hinders instead of facilitates goal attainment.[5] This can cause a perfectionist to avoid challenges, fear failure, and develop low self-esteem.

In fact, numerous studies link maladaptive perfectionism with negative psychological outcomes like depression, anxiety, OCD, and eating disorders.[6] A study of student athletes revealed that perfectionism hindered well-being despite motivating performance.[7]

So, it’s important to find a way to keep the negative side of perfectionism, namely the inner critic, in check.

The Protective Role of Self-Compassion

In numerous studies, self-compassion has been shown to protect against the negative attributes of perfectionism. It is an effective way to manage the inner critic.

For a thorough discussion of self-compassion, see Self-Compassion: Why we need it, and five ways to practice it.

Self-compassion consists of three elements that help prevent perfectionism from turning into harsh self-criticisms.

  • Self-kindness: Those who are self-compassionate tend to treat themselves like a friend instead of an enemy. They understand they can’t criticize themselves into self-improvement.
  • Common Humanity: Rather than using perfection as an ideal, which no human can attain, those who are self-compassionate hold themselves to realistic expectations. When they make a mistake, they keep it in perspective. All humans make mistakes after all.
  • Mindfulness: Finally, self-compassion allows people to observe the present moment without getting too carried away in emotional stories. Instead of getting lost in self-criticisms, they make an honest assessment, accept reality, and move forward.

For those who are self-compassionate, perfectionism is less likely to lead to depression.[8] In one study, self-critical perfectionists were taught mindfulness and self-compassion. This decreased their vulnerability to both anxious and depressive symptoms.[9]

In another study, students who engaged in 20-minute mindfulness practices using yoga and breath work, reduced their stress, decreased the maladaptive aspects of perfectionism, and increased their self-compassion over the course of the semester. [10]

It’s clear from the research that self-criticisms are a negative outcome of perfectionism, but one that can be diminished with self-compassion. It’s an evidence-based way to manage the inner critic.

Ten Questions to Manage the Inner Critic

It’s important to be aware of our perfectionistic standards, get curious about their origin, and assess how they result in self-criticisms. Applying the elements of self-compassion can further teach us to set boundaries and decide if and how we want to use these standards going forward.

Answering the following ten questions helps a perfectionist learn to manage the inner critic. Let’s get started.

#1 What is a personal standard you set so high it often results in self-criticisms?

It’s important to verbalize the standards we hold ourselves up against, so we can honestly and critically evaluate them. Consider one area in which you tend to be a perfectionist, to the point that it makes you self-critical. What standard are you using?

#2 Is this a personal standard you use to judge yourself, a standard you use to judge others, and/or a standard you believe others use to judge you?

Since perfectionism can be directional, it’s helpful to understand where our standards originate and how we use them. Is this a standard you use to judge yourself or others? Did you adopt this from childhood experiences, role-models, friends, or a spouse? Is it a cultural value you feel pressured to uphold? Provide examples of all the ways in which this standard originated in your life and how you apply it.

#3 How has this standard affected your relationships (with others or yourself)?

Are there times this standard causes you to be upset with your significant other, children, coworkers, or friends? How about with yourself? When and how does this standard come up in conversations with others? Describe your internal dialogue.

#4 How has this standard been helpful or played a positive and/or motivating role in your life?

Our standards often reflect our values and show we care. High personal standards can be motivating. Is that true for this particular standard? How so?

#5 How has this standard been harmful or contributed to harsh self-criticisms, fear of failure, anxiety, and/or depression?

High standards can be motivating up to the point in which they cause self-criticisms. When we set standards too high, fail to live up to these impossible standards, and then criticize ourselves for falling short, our well-being can quickly devolve. Describe how this standard hurts rather than helps.

#6 Does this standard come from a place of self-care and kindness?

Personal standards reflect our values. Is your standard a way of caring for yourself? Is there a way to use this standard in a more supportive way?

#7 Is this standard realistic and flexible enough to allow you to learn and grow?

Standards are too idealistic when they are unattainable. Does this standard cross the threshold from realistic to impossible? Is there any flexibility in this standard? Can you make mistakes, learn, and adapt with this standard? In other words, does this standard allow you to be a human?

#8 Can you accept your performance on this standard without getting carried away in self-criticisms?

Consider the ways in which this standard may be motivating. Contrast that with the ways in which it can be paralyzing or painful. Is there a way to strike a balance? How can you be more acknowledging and accepting of yourself regardless of this standard? How much does this one standard represent your value or worth? Can you keep it in perspective?

#9 What can you learn from your past experiences?

Review what you’ve written thus far. Consider what you want to learn from this analysis. Summarize your lessons learned with one or more “When I…Then I…” statements.

#10 How can you redefine your standard so it motivates you without leading to harsh self-criticisms?

Consider the good and the bad of your personal standard. Do you want to continue to use this standard to judge your performance? Is there a way to use it more positively in the future? Write a new standard that is more reflective of what you’ve learned or what you value.

Make a visual reminder of your new standard. Write it on a sticky note and place it somewhere you’ll see it often or set it as a reminder in your phone. When you notice yourself becoming critical, come back to your reminder or reread your “When I…Then I…” statements.

Going Forward

The next time you find it impossible to live up to a standard, come back to these ten questions. Use this as a tool to manage the inner critic. It’s an effective way to stop the perfectionism-criticism cycle and build capacity for avoiding that trap in the future.

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[1] Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138

[2] Frost, R.O., Marten, P., Lahart, C. et al. The dimensions of perfectionism. Cogn Ther Res 14, 449–468 (1990). https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01172967

[3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism

[4] Hewitt, P. L., and Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. J. Pers. Soc. Psychol. 60, 456–470. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.60.3.456

[5] Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive Conceptions of Perfectionism: Approaches, Evidence, Challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10(4), 295–319. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327957pspr1004_2

[6] Limburg, K., Watson, H. J., Hagger, M. S., & Egan, S. J. (2017). The relationship between perfectionism and psychopathology: A meta‐analysis. Journal of clinical psychology, 73(10), 1301-1326.

[7] Hill, A. P., Mallinson-Howard, S. H., & Jowett, G. E. (2018). Multidimensional perfectionism in sport: A meta-analytical review. Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology, 7(3), 235.

[8] Ferrari, M., Yap, K., Scott, N., Einstein, D. A., & Ciarrochi, J. (2018). Self-compassion moderates the perfectionism and depression link in both adolescence and adulthood. PloS one, 13(2), e0192022.

[9] Tobin, R., & Dunkley, D. M. (2021). Self-critical perfectionism and lower mindfulness and self-compassion predict anxious and depressive symptoms over two years. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 136, 103780.

[10] Beck, A. R., Verticchio, H., Seeman, S., Milliken, E., & Schaab, H. (2017). A mindfulness practice for communication sciences and disorders undergraduate and speech-language pathology graduate students: Effects on stress, self-compassion, and perfectionism. American Journal of Speech-Language Pathology, 26(3), 893-907.