Feeling distracted, anxious, and frazzled? Yeah, me too. In the beginning of 2021, my anxiety had gone from a smoldering fire to a full-blown dumpster fire. Despite knowing what I should do to feel better, I was struggling to actually do anything. That’s when I committed to creating a calmer life and implemented real change. I’m still a work-in-progress, but I’m in a drastically different place than before. If I can learn to do this, so can you. Here’s how to get started.
Accept this is a process, not a goal
As an uptight, Type-A, overachiever in my former life I worked quite a bit on goal setting, both personally and professionally. I set personal goals for anything from weight loss to completing my dissertation, and even worked with a friend as an accountability partner to get it done. I also worked with employees and managers to set professional and organizational goals as a business consultant and trainer.
Goal setting can have an amazing impact on performance. In fact, the goals we set have a direct association with how we perform. They direct our attention, mobilize our effort, and increase our persistence.[1] In other words, goals give us a focus and provide a source of motivation.
When goals go bad
While goal setting works, there can be a dark side to goals. This is especially true for an anxious person like me. In fact, constant goal setting and tracking can be a symptom of anxiety, only making things worse.
For example, when I feel anxious or bothered by something, I typically react by trying to assert some level of control. Without being conscious of what’s really happening, I might start cleaning out the closet, bossing the kids and my husband around, or making a spreadsheet to track something.
Or, I set a goal, usually multiple goals. It’s a way to structure and measure my world. The unspoken promise is, If I achieve my goals, my world will be controlled, and my anxiety will be kept at bay. And yet, this promise is often left unfulfilled.
Setting strict goals caused me to burn out or made it difficult for me to truly relax. When my friend and I were accountability partners, we often focused on what we didn’t achieve for the week instead of the things we did accomplish. When I look back at some of those spreadsheets I have to laugh. What the hell made me think working on ten goals at a time was a good idea!? I really needed to calm down, but it was never enough.
Creating calm is a process
Thus, I knew I wanted a calmer life, and traditional, rigid goal setting wasn’t going to get me there. Instead, I had to accept that this was going to be a work-in-progress. Creating a calm, centered, present life is a process. Accepting this is the first step.
How to make a “Commitment to Calm”
It is possible to take advantage of the positives of goal setting without creating a monster. The best way to do this is to make a Commitment to Calm document. It offers a framework in which to work, but also sets realistic expectations and offers flexibility. This creates focus and accountability without unnecessary pressure.
1st: Define your purpose — where do you want to go?
Keep your purpose simple and focused. In a few words, answer what is my destination? Commit to making it happen. Write or type it out and stick to just one thing for now. For me, it was a calmer life and looked like this:
I, Melissa Lewis-Duarte, commit to creating a sense of calm for myself.
2nd: List related activities — how are you going to get there?
Think of a handful of activities that would allow you to honor your commitment. In other words, how can you make it happen? Be specific enough that it will direct your behavior. At the end of a day, you should be able to answer the question, “Did I do this today?” However, it’s best to define activities that also allow for flexibility so you can adapt as the process unfolds. Stick to five or fewer.
I chose four things I could do that would ground me and make me feel calm and present:
1. Calm my mind by connecting with my breath through meditation or breathing exercises.
2. Care for my body by stretching or doing yoga.
3. Practice contentment by journaling a gratitude list.
4. Enjoy life by purposefully choosing to do an activity simply for pleasure.
3rd: Set and prioritize your time commitment — how often and for how long?
A Commitment to Calm is about changing your lifestyle and creating new habits. Effective habit change occurs slowly over time.[2] Plus, it’s most effective to start small, build in some wins, and then expand from there.[3] So I encourage you to avoid setting yourself up for failure.
In other words, don’t try to do everything all the time. Instead, find a reasonable amount of time each day. Start small and set the bar low. Don’t think of what you want to do on an ideal day. This is about being realistic, not idealistic. Think of what you can do on a bad day.
Also worth noting, it is difficult to prioritize self-care. It’s easy to put off and takes a commitment like this. Including a statement to remind you of your priority, is helpful.
If you’re a busy parent like me, it’s easy to get caught up doing the million endless chores around the house or the tasks that are easy to cross off the list. Setting a small amount of time aside each day helps to buffer this pressure. Making it a priority forces it to the top of the list.
I decided on ten minutes a day for 30 days. Note the ten minutes could be spent on just one activity, not all four. Any more than that and I might have felt overwhelmed. This is about a better quality of life, not setting a stretch goal that will inevitably lead to a harsh self-criticism.
Here’s what I promised myself:
I commit 10 minutes per day for one or more of these activities. This time is important and I will protect it as such, knowing that caring for my mental and physical well-being is my number one responsibility.
I commit to doing one or more of these activities for 30 days, starting 1/1/21 and ending 1/30/21.
4th: Define your wants — what do you want to accomplish with this commitment?
Here’s an opportunity to define why you need or want this change. If you prioritize your self-care, honor your commitment, and engage in your desired activities, how will your life improve? Write a list of the most important benefits that can come about from this effort. This will serve as a reminder, especially on the bad days, that these activities are important.
Mine looked like this:
I want to calm my anxious mind.
I want to be present.
I want to feel healthy — mind & body.
I want to be content.
Create a visual reminder you will see daily
The key is to place it where you will see it everyday. This will be your reminder to prioritize your self-care, even when you don’t want to or don’t think you have the time. I created a document I could sign and hang up in a place I see it everyday – the front of the fridge. Very official!
My Commitment document served as not only my reminder, but my family’s reminder that I would be working on some important changes. I preferred my fridge over something like my bathroom mirror or closet, because I spend a lot more time in the kitchen and adjoining family room. It was a location that guaranteed I saw it multiple times a day.
Now, get to work!
Once you have your own Commitment to Calm, the real work starts. Some days will be harder than others and you may be tempted to give up. On those days, practice self-compassion. Know that each time you complete an activity, you reinforce that new habit. Each time you experience a success, it will motivate you to keep going. It won’t be perfect, but it will be the best thing you can do to care for yourself.
After completing my initial one month commitment, new habits and routines started to emerge. My anxiety was substantially improved and I felt better. It motivated me to keep going. It’s been a slow change, but the good ones always are. At the time of posting this, I’m almost eight months into the process. My only regret is not starting sooner.
If I can learn to do this, so can you! Join me on the journey.
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[1] Locke, E. A., Shaw, K. N., Saari, L. M., & Latham, G. P. (1981). Goal setting and task performance: 1969–1980. Psychological Bulletin, 90(1), 125–152. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.90.1.125
[2] https://jamesclear.com/slow-growth
[3] Achor, S. (2010). The Happiness Advantage. Crown Business.
