Commit to calm day 19

When my anxiety flared, I needed to choose the path of least resistance. Learning to engage in self-compassion gave me the break I needed.

Anxiety can present itself in odd ways and at odd times. Over the years, I’ve learned my triggers. I try to work through them, and sometimes I just work around them. The anxiety waxes and wanes. Recently, I had my worst anxiety flare to date. I allowed myself to choose the path of least resistance until it subsided. Giving myself time to build up my bandwidth was crucial in keeping myself calm.

My POTS diagnosis: An anxiety accelerant

At the end of September 2020, we were going into our eighth month of our new COVID reality. I was dealing with the physical and mental consequences of long-term stress and anxiety. If my anxiety is usually smoldering at a four, I was now at a consistent six. And that’s when the heart palpitations started.

I experienced palpitations off and on for about a week, brushing them off as stress. I noticed them again one morning while leaning over in the shower. They stopped by the time I toweled off. Later that morning, Scooby threw up on the carpet. Again, my heart raced when I bent over to clean the mess. This time, they didn’t stop.

It felt like my heart was racing and skipping a few beats as I called Andrew, breathless and scared. The boys were still attending school virtually, so they were home with me. I found myself worried about the Kindergarten teacher seeing me pass out in the Zoom background or my oldest son having to call 911 if I had a heart attack. My anxiety exploded.

I wondered if the palpitations were simply a panic attack. Andrew thought it was anxiety too but sent me to the hospital to be sure. The emergency room doctors were able to recreate the palpitations whenever I stood up or bent over. The monitor didn’t lie, something was going on with my heart. I was admitted and monitored overnight before having additional testing the following day. The Cardiologist diagnosed me with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), which causes my heart rate to elevate with postural changes. In other words, getting up from the couch can cause my heart to feel like I’m jogging. “It’s not dangerous, just annoying,” the doctor explained.

POTS wasn’t just annoying, it was anxiety inducing. Having my heart rate grow to 140 because I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night caused panic. My anxiety turned into a full-blown dumpster fire and stayed there for months. It was weeks before I could separate the POTS symptoms from the anxiety symptoms. Once we figured out the right blood pressure medication for me, the POTS symptoms were controlled. It’s the resulting anxiety that remained a challenge.

My anxiety triggers

I’m beginning to understand anxiety will always be a part of my life. A previously benign environment can turn into a stressful trigger once it is associated with anxiety. For example, I first experienced anxiety during a college class. One minute I was fine, the next minute my brain was signaling, “run for your life!” My heart raced, my hands and feet got sweaty, the pressure in my chest increased, and my breathing was strained. I just wanted to gather my things and get out of there. Despite being safe, my body was signaling danger. It made no sense.

After that initial episode, every class started to feel like a threat. The next day, returning to class was scary. An environment in which I felt confident and comfortable was perceived to be a true threat. Rationally I knew I was fine, but anxiety doesn’t care about being reasonable. Just worrying about the possibility of getting anxious made me anxious. That started when I was 19 or 20 and has continued for two decades.

Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash

Now, I tend to get anxious when I feel stuck or trapped. An elevator, which literally traps me in a metal box is an obvious example. But it also happens when I’m figuratively stuck, like in the dentist’s chair. I know going to the dentist is stressful for many. For me, it’s not going to the dentist (I love my dentist!) that bothers me, it’s the anxiety I feel while there that’s the challenge. Drill my teeth, poke my gums, I don’t care. Please, just don’t let me feel nervous while sitting there!

I had a dentist appointment scheduled not too long after the POTS diagnosis. I was struggling with how frequently and intensely I was experiencing anxiety at the time. Instead of a few minutes here and there, it was lasting half an hour and happening wherever I went. The thought of the upcoming appointment made me stomach flush with acid and my thoughts spiral. I know it seems silly, but that’s how anxiety works.

Choosing the path of least resistance

I mentioned my anxiety to my therapist who suggested choosing the path of least resistance: reschedule. She was suggesting a simple solution, but I was resisting.

And let anxiety win? I refuse to let it rule my life. Why should I reschedule my appointment when there’s really nothing wrong with me? This anxiety is all in my head! I have to be stronger than it. Nothing’s going to happen to me. I can handle a filling. I don’t want this to be a problem. I don’t want this anxiety. Why is this causing me so much stress? I feel like I’m failing.

I didn’t want to go easy on myself. The path of least resistance sounds weak. Googling it reveals famous quotes from people like Winston Churchill, Tony Robbins, and Henry David Thorough. None of them are positive, warning of future failures.

Ordinarily, I would push through, force myself to deal with the anxiety. But I was so worn out I didn’t have the strength anymore. Looking back, it seems like an obvious option, but I wasn’t even allowing myself to consider rescheduling. I didn’t have enough self-compassion. I asked Andrew his thoughts. “Reschedule. What’s the big deal?” It scared me to give into the anxiety, but I didn’t have the strength to deal with any added stress.

What those famous quotes get wrong, is that sometimes you need the path of least resistance, at least for a little while. I wasn’t failing. I was simply recognizing my stress capacity. Even if the anxiety was in my head, it was real. I needed to alleviate the pressure, a lot of which I was putting on myself. Other people granted me the permission I didn’t want to grant myself. If I rescheduled, I was allowing myself time to recover. It made me realize it was ok to go easy on myself for a little while. It wasn’t permanent. Anxiety wasn’t winning. Giving myself a little time to let the anxiety come down was exactly what I needed.

Photo by Brian Erickson on Unsplash

A better bandwidth for stress

It’s been a few months since rescheduling the appointment. I started my work on calm and continued to choose the path of least resistance. This really wasn’t about the damn dentist appointment. It’s about practicing self-compassion. Allowing myself more latitude over the course of a few months replenished my strength. I’ve spent that time in counseling and engaging in behaviors I know combat the anxiety. My anxiety is now back to where it was pre-diagnosis.

Today I went to the dentist and received that filling. I experienced my usual level of anxiety. I had sweaty hands and feet and got up to walk around whenever the dentist left the room. But it wasn’t the struggle it would have been a few months ago. Rescheduling was a personal favor to myself. It opened the door to being kinder.

My lesson is to give myself grace when I need it. It’s ok to say “I can’t do that right now,” or “I’m not in a good spot for that.” When the anxiety is bad, I will continue to take the path of least resistance. Sometimes I just need a break.

Do you need to give yourself permission to take the path of least resistance? Leave me a comment!

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