Want to know how to deal with being emotionally triggered? It’s helpful to ask yourself three simple questions. Explore these questions, a real-world example, and a free worksheet to help you get started.

We’ve all been there before. Something happened to upset you, piss you off, or make you resentful. Maybe a friend said something hurtful. You might’ve had a disagreement with your spouse and now feel angry. Or, maybe you got frustrated with yourself because your anxiety is flaring again, and you’re sick of dealing with it.

You’re triggered. Now what? Here’s how to deal with being emotionally triggered. Keep reading or skip to what you need:

Whatever the reason, you were triggered. Now, you’re left stewing in your emotions. You try to shove them down or move on, but the thoughts keep persisting. How do you make sense of it and move forward?

It’s best to acknowledge these emotions and give them space. Only then is it possible to move on. As the famous saying goes, “the best way out is through.” But, what does that really mean? How can you get unstuck from your emotions in real life?

Three Questions & Why They Work

Here are three questions to ask yourself when overwhelmed by your emotions.

When You Feel Triggered, Consider:

  1. What would I say to a friend in the same situation?
  2. How does this reveal my humanness?
  3. Can I allow these feelings to be present without trying to change them?

Question #1: What would I say to a friend in the same situation?

Talk to yourself the way you would your best friend or child. First, label the emotions you are feeling and validate your right to feel this way. Then, shift your focus to the facts instead of your emotions. This is a way of being honest with yourself without being overly critical or getting carried away in a story. Finally, consider what would be most helpful in this moment. What are your real needs right now? Offer that comfort.

Why this works when we’re triggered:

Learning to talk to ourselves the way we would talk to a best friend or child helps us learn to be self-compassionate. Many of us tend to respond to ourselves critically, particularly when emotional. Asking this question primes us to respond with self-kindness instead. It acknowledges our pain and reacts with sympathy, warmth, and support. Instead of judging ourselves, railing against our current situation, or being angry with someone, we shift to a gentler, warmer response.

Now that we’ve labeled our emotions, validated them, and given ourselves some comforting words of encouragement, we are ready for perspective.

Question #2: How does this reveal my humanness?

Part of being a human is struggling and having to grapple with our own emotions. Consider how your experience is part of being a human. Are there other people who have dealt with the same challenges? Are there other people who have dealt with hardships, regardless of their similarity to your struggles? What might this reveal about your situation? Take a step back and consider your life as a whole, putting this challenge into perspective.

Why this works when we’re triggered:

It’s really easy when lost in an emotional spiral to feel like we’re the only ones going through a hard time. When we feel vulnerable, we feel isolated. Yet, nothing could be farther from the truth. As social creatures, it’s helpful to know we are part of a group. Answering this question is a way of reassuring yourself that you are not alone.

Recognizing that our emotions and experiences simply make up our humanness, helps us gain perspective. We learn to accept that as humans, we all suffer, make mistakes, and have imperfections. Our situation may be unfair, but so is life. A larger perspective takes the focus off the immediate emotional reaction and bookends it within a much larger context.

It’s important to note here that we aren’t trying to downplay our struggles. We are not saying, “well they have it worse, so I shouldn’t feel so bad.” That only invalidates our emotions. When we suppress our feelings in this way, we temporarily cover them up. They will come back up!

Question #3: Can I allow these feelings to be present without trying to change them?

Ask yourself to sit with the emotions. Simply observe how you feel. Are the emotions presenting in your body? Are they a color, a sensation, a pain? Feel them without trying to rationalize them away. Don’t judge the emotions as good or bad. Your job isn’t to change them, but to just feel them.

The hardest part is sitting without judgement. If you catch yourself feeling guilty, wishing the feelings away, or getting frustrated with yourself or the situation, use that as a reminder to come back to observing. Say, “That’s just me thinking.” Or “There are the emotions again.” This gives you a separation from your thoughts and feelings. This subtle but powerful pause helps redirect your focus so you don’t get wrapped up in the stories you’re telling yourself.

Why this works when we’re triggered:

Many times, we get stuck in our emotions because we think of them as a problem to solve. We want a resolution so the feelings dissipate. Or, we feel obligated to answer to the emotions. There is a sense that we must act or do something.

However, often times there is nothing to do. We can’t change our reality. We can’t wish the feelings away. All that’s left is to be with our feelings. This is an exercise in mindfulness, which shifts from reacting to being. Focusing on the sensations in our body gets us out of our heads and down into our bodies. Often, this is enough to allow them to pass on their own.

If we try to bury our feelings, they will surface again. Resistance equals persistence. They must be felt. Thus, this works because it forces us to pause and recognize the emotions. It helps us give them space, which breaks us from the emotion loop.

Benefits Of This Self-Compassion Practice

These questions represent the three core components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. When we practice self-compassion, we approach our thoughts and feelings in a supportive way. It entails being nice without glossing over the truth, gaining perspective, and facing our feelings without getting carried away in our own drama.

Self-compassion is an evidence-based way to boost wellbeing. Those who are self-compassionate:[1]

  • Are less likely to suppress unwanted thoughts and feelings
  • Have less anxiety, depression, and negative emotions
  • Experience more happiness
  • Have fewer ruminating thoughts

The better we get at answering these three questions when we’re triggered, the more compassionate we become. As our self-compassion increases, we reap all of these benefits and so much more. It simply takes practice.

Real-World Example of an Emotional Trigger: Pregnancy Trauma

Let’s break it down to see how we can use these three questions when emotionally triggered. Here’s a  real-life example from my life. I survived a traumatic pregnancy, giving birth to my son at 25-weeks and then watching him fight to live for 189 days before coming home. This creates a lot of emotional baggage and makes me particularly sensitive to certain triggers.

Pregnancy trauma example: I see a mom with a big full pregnancy belly and get triggered. I feel robbed of that experience with my son. There are so many important, fun pregnancy milestones I missed. Even if I feel happy for this other mom, the feelings of resentment and anger bubble up, and I start to spiral into negative emotions.

When I recognize I’ve been triggered, I go to my three questions.

Question #1: What would I say to a friend in the same situation?

I’m feeling angry I didn’t get to have a “normal” pregnancy experience. The sense of loss makes me sad. I have every right to feel this way. Anyone in my shoes would feel the same way. I was robbed. I can acknowledge that and move forward. Right now, what I really need is to feel comforted and safe. I’m ok. I’m safe, just sad. (Place hand on chest and take a deep breath.)

Question #2: How does this reveal my humanness?

I know there are a lot of people who didn’t carry their pregnancy full-term. Plus, there are a number of babies who have to go to the NICU before going home. Their struggle doesn’t make my struggle easier, but it does remind me that I’m not alone. When I think about it, my pregnancy was several months in an entire lifetime. This is part of my story, my struggle as a human.

Question #3: Can I allow these feelings to be present without trying to change them?

I recognize my hurt. It’s a lump in my throat. My chest feels tight and I want to cry. It makes me angry, like there’s a burning hot, red sensation between my ears. I can sit here for a few minutes and recognize all these sensations. Why does this have to be so hard!?! Oh wait. That’s just me judging. I can take a few deep breaths as the sensations wash over me and then let them pass.

Usually, after I answer these three questions, I feel better. It doesn’t mean I don’t have pain, or the problem is instantly solved. Yet, I’m one step closer to healing.

Using this self-compassion practice validates my pain, allows me to feel my emotions, and breathe into it for a few minutes. Then, I’m ready to shift my attention and move forward. Giving myself this brief pause is the best way I can take care of myself.

Walking through these three questions may sound like a lot of work, but in reality, it only takes a few minutes. Plus, the more we practice recognizing our triggers and responding with self-compassion, the better we become at managing our trigger responses. The better we manage our responses to triggers, the lower our stress and anxiety.

Video Explanation

Downloadable Worksheet

Need some practice? Download my free worksheet. Think of an emotionally triggering event and write your responses to the three questions. This helps you learn the process so you can respond to your emotional triggers more effectively in the future.

3-questions-when-triggered-worksheetDownload

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[1] Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion. HarperCollins Publisher.